It’s a weird thing, when I’m sad, and there doesn’t seem to be a good reason I pray about it. I pray that God will find that hurt in my heart, and that He will work in me and I will trust Him to heal that hurt.
I’ve been crying for 3 days. The reasons, all seem kind of insignificant but they sure do feel like real reasons because it hurts like… hell. Not a place I would ever choose to reside. So I do what I can to make my way out of there.
Yesterday, it was the moment that the things that I said I needed weren’t there (after I was asked what I needed, it didn’t even matter, it all worked out), then… I knocked over a house, I spilled my tea, and I was just having a hard time shaking the feeling that “I don’t matter”. Someone even asked me at church if I got bad news wondering why I was crying, and then she walked away when I said “no, my life is bad news”. I couldn’t decide who I was sadder for, her or me, because she didn’t seem to care, and I actually felt sorry for her. I guess the busy-ness of preparing for the holiday was more important to her in that moment, than the love that comes with that season. Thankfully, I have some really great friends who rallied around me, hugged me, prayed for me, and in general just let me be a mess, left me truly thankful for my church family.
Today, I read this… while reading… Perhaps the opposite of faith is not doubt. Perhaps the opposite of faith is fear in the book 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp. I love this book, it was truly a gift when my friend told me about it.
I prayed… what am I afraid of…
I am afraid of being forgotten, or not mattering… It’s something that I have battled for as long as I can remember. I will often walk away before I am left… because then it seems like it was my choice, that I wasn’t forgotten. I know that life is not about me, oh, I know it, but when you come from an “outside” family. Meaning, you’re the one that is not part of the main family. I am part of a great step-family, but a lot of times, I think I’m forgotten. Or my mom’s family, I’m a cousin, not a brother or sister, so I feel like I’m an afterthought. Even if that’s not how any of them treat me, it’s how I sometimes feel.
This year, I had such a great time buying gifts, my gifts all mean something, even if it’s a gift certificate because I tried to get people what they wanted. I gave all the women bracelets from Haiti, I picked out the colors particularly for each person. I feel like that bracelet is a little part of me, something that I believe in, and that each one of us can be a part of something much bigger than ourselves. That in their gift, they are making a difference with their life. I also gave some family members the book “1000 gifts” because it’s so great! The book is so great! I wanted them to be blessed by the book. And the last of one of my favorite gifts… the Metro CD. The songs are amazing, and I don’t know how one could listen to them without being moved by the Heart of God.
In these gifts, I wonder if my family will think that I’ve lost my marbles. I know that not everyone loves Jesus like I do, or at least they don’t show it like I do. But these gifts were thought of, and a part of my heart that I wanted to share.
John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.
You see, I guess I’m also afraid of not being accepted, that people will think I’m stupid… then they will choose to exclude me… ugh. It's so dumb.
Fear is dumb.
It’s not real. God tells us not to fear. Fear is not from God. And while I’ve been spireling into craziness, I put my hand up to the dark voices, and said “just go” to the author of those lies.
The people I am spending the holidays with, love me. Even if they think I’m a crack pot for buying them Jesus gifts, and gifts from Haiti. I am who I am, a lover of the Savior that came for all of us. He is the reason that world stops for a day. No matter the race, religion… stores close, it’s one of the two days a year that people feel like they need to go to church. They know who I am. They know that I know, that I belong to Him.
So I am choosing to BELIEVE that I am loved. I am choosing to BELIEVE that I belong. I choose to believe that I am not forgotten. I choose to believe that they will love the gifts I got them because they know that I thought about them, and they matter to me!
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I’m choosing to live in hope, joy, love, and peace! And choosing to be sparkly!
He was born so that we may have life!
Merry Christmas! lovetoyou!