Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Sunday, December 02, 2012

in the loneliness...

I saw the picture shown on my daughter’s tumblr account. I can tell you that I saw the picture and thought of love. The romantical kind. I thought of dancing, sweet love, and so many wonderful memories. I thought about how I miss it. I was going to write about that. But then… today I thought about that picture and how much in the last month my heart longed for God. How feeling “His absence” made me wanted to seek Him more… even though I now know He never left me.

But God.

I could have given you 100 reasons why I wanted to sit on my couch this morning and not go to Courage Church. I actually had one good reason to go… I had toys for Joy to the D and I needed to get them there before the day of love passed. I looked at the clock under the TV. 9:22. Oops! Church starts at 10:30, the car wasn’t loaded, I was one of those lazy people who hadn’t showered yet (which I really don’t usually understand how people don’t shower, especially those who go out of the house looking like a ragamuffin – gross!), I needed to stop and get gas… would I have time to stop and get gas AND get an iced tea? You know, I hadn’t had any caffeine yet and there was no way I could make it without caffeine. But I hopped in the shower, started getting ready. Maybe I’d be a few minutes late, but I decided to go, afterall, I couldn’t remember the last time I hugged my friend Netta, and honestly that’s good enough reason to go in it’s own.

I got the car loaded up (in the rain – which was almost another reason to stay home), stopped and got a Starbucks and then gas (priorities people!), drove on the freeway, got off, loaded my arms full of stuff, up the stairs only to be greeted by one of the best sights ever – my friend Netta’s smile. She helped me unload, and then I ran to a seat, threw all my stuff down (all my stuff took up room for 3 spaces! Sheesh!) and immediately put my arms in the air before the first word came out of my mouth in praise! I looked over and saw Miranda and thought as soon as I can, I’m going to sit by her.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I’ve been listening to Elevation Church’s Code Orange which was the revival they had at the beginning of the year (I would say I am a little bit behind, except for the fact that the words that are being preached are speaking right to my heart, so I’d say they are right on time!) Today’s message (day 4) was given by Christine Caine, who, by the way, is AMAZING!,

So I was already fired up before I even got out of the car. One thing about Chilly at Courage, you know that he is going to bring it.

So worship, hugs, prayers, and Chilly makes the big announcement, and then he starts preaching. And from the first scripture, Jesus grabbed me. Chilly talked about the enemy taking those he loves, and how it’s not ok with him. It’s not ok with me either. But I will tell you, not that long ago, it was me he was after. I remember just a month or so ago, I came home on a Sunday night after a ton of hurt, I cried, and screamed “I didn’t ask for this” and began crying out all the things that were breaking my heart. And the list seemed so long. When I looked around, all I could see was heartbreak, that’s even all I could feel. Everything else in my life was like going through the motions. Many times in my life I have felt God’s grace cover me like a cloak, but this time, all I could feel was the darkness closing in like a ship sinking in the middle of the ocean. I wondered where God was in all of it.

In the desperation of the darkness, I went reaching for Him. Have you ever walked around in the darkness looking for something? I have, and I often am reaching out, not really looking for something, bumping into things, mostly just trying NOT to bump into something. I just kept reaching. I kept reading, I kept listening to worship, I kept doing what I was supposed to do. And the more I tried, the more things I’d trip over. I felt dead inside. I was working more than ever, I was so tired, I was puking, I got a cold. Ugh. But I knew that I was being hunted. A thief in the night was coming to get me, but I was not going to go quietly. I sent out the call, the call for prayer. I even took a huge risk… I answered the call, did what God told me to do, even though I was scared… which turned out amazing! Well, it’s not complete yet, but God has big things in store for me.

I am not sure what God has in store, but I know it’s big, and I know that I am chosen by Him, and He is using me in so many ways, and it’s bugging the enemy. I have always wanted to be one of those people that when I got up, that the devil said “oh crap, she’s up” and apparently I am. I heard Christine Caine say today “I’m not the 4th part of the Trinity” not only did I laugh out loud, I gave a big fat AMEN! Let me always remember that His ways are not only better than my ways… His way is the only way.

Be encouraged, just like David, when things are crazy, when it seems like all is lost, go to the Lord for strength! And if you keep reading… God restores it all!

Thank You Jesus for never leaving me, thank You for saving me, thank You for choosing me, thank You for using me! You’re the greatest! I can’t wait to see what You have for the future! Thanks for loving me, even when I’m unlovable!

1 Sam 30:6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

No comments: