Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
It’s a difficult thing for me to wrap my head (and heart) around that God would love me whether I serve or not. I mean, it’s hard to not respond in service when I think about how much God has done for me, I WANT to serve Him, not because I think it’s something I HAVE to do, I WANT to. I want to use the gifts that He has given me, but sometimes, usually when I’m tired, I think “really, I still have to do that? I know You put it on my heart, but I’m tired God” or my part of a project is at the end when I have to wait on everyone else to complete my portion, and for unknown or unforeseen reasons, things get to me late, and I feel like everyone is standing there saying “is it done yet?!?” or I work really hard, I work with people and then the answer wasn’t what someone wanted so the say “I’ll just have so&so call, they are really good with people”. I will tell you, that COMPLETELY hurts my feels as if to say “sorry, you just couldn’t do it, we have someone better, you just suck”.
It makes me want to take my playground equipment and go Home.
This world has taught us that we have value in what we do, not who we are. And so after many many years of “doing” (I am seriously one of the busiest people I know) I find it very hard to find that God would just love me no matter what I do. Because afterall, I’ve always felt that I do because of who I am. I hate when people say “You’re awesome” after I do something for them, because if I didn’t do it, does that mean I have no value or that I wouldn't be awesome?
Even when someone tells me they love me, I wonder what they want. My thought of how God sees me and loves me is a direct reflection of how people have treated me, how can God love me if I’ve never really felt loved for who I am. My head gets that if I was the only one on earth, God loves me and would have gotten on the cross to save me, HOWEVER, my heart sometimes has a hard time accepting that. I love my daughter whether she does anything for me but why would anyone, let alone God who I am sure I’ve broken His heart millions of times EVER love me. I’ve been abandoned by people who have said they loved me… So my concept of love is jacked up.
John 17:24 “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.
I know He loves me… I just can’t figure out why.
Learning to accept and trust that He just does. Faith.
Mark 9:24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
It’s a lot harder to do than I ever thought it would be, but my heart is opening to all He has for me!