Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Staying away from the pit

I wasn’t going anywhere yesterday, but my daughter needed her work jacket for… work, so I ran it over to her. The roads were horrible!

I was thinking about how thankful I am for some really incredible people in my life. And then it started… All the things I love about them, I feel like I fall short in.

My Sisters send cards, I barely can get cards out for my immediate family when I actually am going to a party. And sometimes the days go by and I can’t remember to send a FB message or text. I can barely even check my mail most days! Sheesh! They are encouraging to others, and sometimes I can barely like a status or comment, I just see the prayer requests and I pray or I praise right where I am.

My house isn’t as clean as I’d like it to be. I wish I was one of those people who had a clean house all the time, but it’s just not. My office looks crazy with Haiti stuff, left over Winter Retreat stuff, Detroit Mission Trip beginnings. Lord, help me, I need shelves in my office, to organize this craziness no matter how crazy it looks, it will look better than it does now.

And what happened to the meal planning momma? I used to be so good at making a meal plan, and sticking to it, and now… well I can barely even make the plan now, and I hope to make one or two of the meals I plan.

Oh, and let me add causing people pain because of the choices I made. I found myself crying in the car. Man, I was thinking about that post earlier. Perfume. And then I started about how stinky I am…

I had puke stomach Wednesday and so I did this crazy amazing exercise to figure out where it came from because there really wasn’t a reason for it. But there was, and it took the exercise to figure it out.

I cringe when someone says to me “I don’t know how you do it”. Well, quite frankly, I don’t either. I fall short about a million times, many that most just do not see.

I had this issue over the weekend where I bit someone’s head off, apologized within 10 minutes of doing so. You know why I freaked? Because I was really afraid I let them down, and somehow they’d think it was dumb to have trusted me. Failure. It’s a scary thing, especially the thought of failing someone that I really look up to. And then I blew it by losing my cool. Ugh. Rotting fruit.

I wonder if when I try to speak life into someone if they are not rolling their eyes thinking “she thinks it is so easy” well, I know it’s not always easy to make the right decision but I also know that I don’t regret making the right decisions even when they are hard, compared to making the wrong easy ones, because those wrong ones have lasting consequences. And for the record, I’m not sorry I share scripture or point people to Jesus. It is what I am called to do. I follow Him because He is always the answer, and I want Him to be the answer to the questions others ask to.

I’m learning to live life, not just get through it. Today I opened my Jesus calling devotional and it tells me to stop with the self pity and cling to God! Hmmm… How did God know that on Feb 23rd I would need that?

I’m learning it is more important to have fruit (fruit of the spirit) then to get it all done. And learning to forgive myself for the things I’ve done, or I don’t get done, is a greater offering than a clean house. A hug and listening to a student is more important than printing something off, and hopefully by God’s grace, and a whole lot of planning, I get to do both.

I’m learning that it is important to just be, and to let others bless me. And know that my prayers have to be enough, because what is more important than that?

I’m also working on doing things that I enjoy. I’m learning to live life not just “task” through it. I have three concerts scheduled in the next couple months. Winter Jam, Chris Tomlin (with Kari Jobe), and Needtobreathe.

I love serving, and I am doing that, but I’m also learning to do things I enjoy with friends! Can’t wait to go to Eastern Market this weekend and maybe even the conservatory and a fun lunch to some place I’ve never been to in the city.

Making vacation plans. Besides my mission trip to Haiti, I am looking at going to New York, Utah, maybe Atlanta, Nebraska, even if those plans go into 2014! Gives me something to look forward to! (that is if the current elected administration doesn’t take all my tax money! )

I’m working on being kind to myself, having balance, but most importantly, running towards Jesus, and giving Him all that I am. I’m learning to cling to Him instead of hovering near or in the pit of self-doubting, self-loathing, and unforgiveness. I’m learning to love me for who God created me to be, and love Him for all that He is!

Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

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