I'll be honest here, I have had what I refer to as "puke" stomach for awhile now. Maybe a month maybe longer. Because I'm often anxious, it happens every so often but I don't let it bother me.
Well for the last week or two, I've like I should be carrying something with me in case I throw up. I tried talking to someone about it, and they basically said get over it. Which made me want to throw up more. The devil uses that kind of stuff like a playground with me. "See no one really cares about you" is the craziest merry-go-round lie that is spun.
Yesterday, when I walked into church I decided that I have had enough! I got to church early (like an hour - which is weird when I don't have anywhere to serve) on purpose... Mostly I was hoping someone would need something and distract me from the way that I was feeling...
Wrong.
So I sat in the front row and cleaned my purse out and prayed. Please God... There is something bothering me and honestly I don't know what it is. Please. Help. Me.
I decided to go visit with my friend which often lowers my "defenses" which it did. We shared, we laughed. It did my heart good.
It didn't take long into worship to let go, to ask God to search my heart, "what am I afraid of?"
Oh I better be ready if I ask that question.
Letting people down.
Oh in my crazy mind I'm good at that.
Then add to that people have been speaking such garbage into me. One of them kept saying "I'm worried about you" but I knew she wasn't being sincere. But the deal is, I pray about every thing I say yes to. EVERY thing. I am careful not to take on too much and actually asked for help with a task yesterday. I knew I had to let something go... So I prayed. I only do the things that God tells me is ok.
As dumb as it may sound... I even pray about my meal plan. Mostly I pray and thank God for His provision.
I've learned in the middle of this "episode" to really know who I am in Christ, to give myself a gut check (ha!) to where I am with Jesus, and to go to Him to figure out what the deal is...
I've learned to make sure that I'm finding comfort in just "being" with God not just serving Him.
I'm thankful for a God who loves me so much to let me serve Him and who calms my heart.
However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)
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