Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Feeling lost

Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten how to dream.  I forgot the changing the world doesn’t happen with success by the world’s definition, it happens with each good choice we make.  It’s one decision that affects someone else positively and causes a ripple effect.  ~Kristen Welch, We are that Family

I sat across from him, listening to his dreams, this dear sweet friend of mine.  It was so exciting to hear about how his dreams were coming true.  

I have felt so lost.  I had been praying about what was next and what the future holds for me, what do I do next, where God wants me, what He wants me to do… and it happened.  Right there.  I started crying.  I wished so much that I could have the faith to step out, but I was so scared.  Not because I think I can’t do it, believe it or not, I believe that I can do almost anything.  I mean except for putting on a roof, I don’t think I could do that.

The truth is I get lost in the every day. I get lost in cheering people on, praying for others, making sure that others are taken care of, I sometimes forget about me.  I forget that I matter.  I have fought for a long time to not be forgotten.  
The truth really is that people remember me (at least I hope!) because of those things, that I am always there, that I do always pray, I do make sure that people have what they need. That is who God created me to be.

But I am scared of what people think.  I shouldn’t be because I don’t live my life for what others think of me, I work really hard at serving Jesus, and that means serving His people.  

I love the city of Detroit, I mean my soul is at such peace there.  I love it.  I know it’s dangerous, but my house was broken into where I live now, and I’m learning that “hard drugs” are in my hood too (did you know that heroin is the new marijuana?  It’s cheap, and easily accessible – thanks for legalizing marijuana, it drove up the cost – go figure).  

I’ve been praying about the Youth Center that God has laid so heavy on my heart, and God has given me some clear direction as the next step.

Sell your house, move to Detroit.

Well, there you go. 

I looked at my first house last night.  What a cute house.  In a horrible neighborhood.  And my TPMS light (tire pressure monitoring system) came on and I almost had a heart attack (thankfully no flat tire but I was NOT in a place where I would have felt safe).  It was in a neighborhood that even 25-27 years ago I was not allowed in.  It kind of was disheartening, but I believe it’s as important to know what I don’t want as I know what I do want.  So I will keep looking. 

The truth is I long for kids in the neighborhood to run past my house and maybe I hand them a cookie, or take a meal to my new neighbors, or just stand outside and practice my awful Spanish.  I dream of a lot of things.  I dream of going to a school and finding out what they need and maybe helping.  I don't know but I won't stop dreaming.

There is much work to be done in a lot of things, but God is faithful and I need to be too.  I will keep plugging along, establishing boundaries so I don’t do too much and I can stay on the path God has called me to.  It’s not always easy not to veer off, especially because some of the things I do are really good.  And I must keep dreaming, because God gives me those desires of the things He wants me to do, and to keep dreaming, to keep changing the world, for His glory.

Sometimes we need all pep talk.

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