It's a crazy thing when I'm in Haiti. I feel more like the person I was meant to be.
That probably doesn't make sense but real life has closed me off from having a real life. Not being able to trust people because I'm afraid of being hurt keeps me from really loving. Most people would be shocked to read that because i am pretty loving but just imagine that the way I am is holding back and I actually have more love to give...
Also, being relational and feeling is dangerous and leaves me vulnerable. There was a time a few months ago, all I knew I needed to do was cry. But I wouldn't. I was too busy preparing and being busy that i would not allow myself to feel. I knew that if I started crying, I would not stop. So I didn't, and I have saved most of that "feeling" for Haiti. A safe place.
I am kind of a touchy feely kind of person, I like to snuggle, I'd be forever smooching someone (I have told Levi and Judah I don't care when they are 15 I'll still hug and smooch them- poor kids). I get one week at a time with these kids, and so I make the best of it. But it's not just them, I have come to be friends with our translators. Even when we don't have them all, I am always excited when they come to visit and just say "alo". I even forget about my own personal space.
There is one that I have known since my first trip. Little did he know that I'd always be crying lol I think now he just comes to expect it. We find ourselves at the end of everyday talking about our day about 6 inches from each other. It's weird to me that I can trust anyone that close in my personal space. It's also weird that we can be in this very small area and not experience the same things, isn't that kind of cool?
On my last trip to Haiti I had the hardest time seeing the people in the fishing village and mountains so poor, all I wanted to do was open up and talk to him about it. I did end up opening up to my team but it was after a long fight with myself about trusting and risking the consequences of being hurt (it was worth the risk- they are some of my most trust worthy friends).
Haiti stretches me in ways I never knew possible. My very first trip I prayed I would love bigger than I ever thought possible, and each trip that prayer is answered louder than it was the trip before.
My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. (1 John 3:18-20 MSG)