So, I’ve been quiet.
For awhile, sure a post here and there but not really a whole bunch. It's because I'm struggling, and I'm only quiet when I'm struggling.
I walk around knowing that I am blessed millions but sad
inside. And the point it came to on
Sunday was that I said OUTLOUD “I think God hates me”
Now let’s just be honest, that’s just not true. I was overwhelmed and knew I just needed a
good cry, and it came, but not as I was hoping, it came after an ugly incident
when someone thought they were being helpful and it was just hurtful.
And yesterday, I cried for the better part of the day, and
fell asleep crying. Yuck. Do you know what you wake up looking like
when you fall asleep crying? YUCK.
I realized that it’s been about a year since I got the
devastating news that Adam and Katie and the boys were leaving. Now this might not be devastating news to
you, but it was to me. And it seemed
like my world got turned upside down and still is a little topsy turvy now. My life was Youth Ministry, it was how I
served Jesus. And after they left I felt
like I was standing in the middle of a field all alone thinking “now what?”
(though I really have learned to love rest and found new ways to serve)
I can’t figure out where I am supposed to be.
I started reading “Brave Girl Boots a 40 day Journey to
Brave” and just reading the introduction I was trying really hard not to cry,
and I was failing miserably.
Wow. Maybe the future isn’t any of my business. Maybe I need to do a much better job of
living in the here and now. But that doesn’t
seem that simple to me. My whole life I
craved the planning of what is next, maybe it’s a control thing from the days
of trying to control things, but I also believe planning is necessary and helps
make things excellent.
To be honest, I’d like to chuck everything and go live on an
island somewhere but I won’t. I’ll start
this journey of being brave, and I’ll seek God and find out what He has, I have
no clue about what I’m doing anyway.
It’s time for HARD WORK. I hate hard work, but I love it’s
rewards…
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