I don't like sitting in the middle. Even my favorite spot on the tap tap is the end.
I like new beginnings, even the unknown, and I (for the most part) like endings.
Middles with no end in sight are not my favorite. I like to see where I've been AND where I'm going.
A lot of times I still feel like a little girl who lost her momma always afraid that her daddy would die and she'd be left... Alone.
No matter how busy someone is, if they are a single mom, they are alone a lot. I've learned to embrace alone and I'm not scared of it. Sometimes I actually like it. Sometimes I just need and long for quiet. One of my favorite things to do is go for long walks or sit on the ledge and watch the sun come up. But sometimes people have group outings (like girls nights) or gatherings in fun places and don't invite me. And i see it and while happy for them, sometimes it feels like another nail in the loneliness coffin.
Sometimes I'll tell you that I have the best life! I can come and go pretty much anytime I want. I don't have to ask permission to do things I want to do (like go to Haiti or Colorado), and sometimes I'll tell you that life being single is hard. It's not always that I don't have the chance to date (I feel like I the guys just aren't that great) or we date for awhile and for whatever reason it just doesn't work out. I don't always know why, and sometimes I thank God for protecting me from an idiot and a life that would have been less than His best for me.
In the lonely times I realize that life just might be different for me. I mean let's face it, I'm weird. I like to read the bible (I really was excited to read Deuteronomy), I like community gardens, and making large amounts of peanut butter and jelly, I love cooking, and I love serving people I love. And whoa, kayaking, a new love. Serving Detroit brings me great joy. I love encouraging people and cheering them on!! It's all weird I know.
But there is something (someone) missing. I put my daughter first her whole life and of someone wasn't good enough to be her dad, he wasn't good enough for us. And in a gazillion years I'll never be sorry for that choice.
I cling often to the scripture
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
But there is more... I always keep reading...
“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.””
Jeremiah 29:12-14 NIV
So I cling to the rest, I seek Him. And to be honest sometimes I seek Him half heartedly and that leaves me half of what I could and should be. But when I seek Him, He removes me from the captivity of the messes I get myself into. And He gives me freedom!
I am in the middle right now. I have let go of a lot of distractions, said good bye (if only in my heart) to some who shouldn't be in my life) in order to get to the next place God has for me.
I'll keep seeking. With my whole heart.
I can see where I've been but I have no idea what the future holds but I know it's good.