Yesterday I sat at my desk after yelling at two different people. And I don’t mean “yelling” like just telling someone something that they didn’t want to hear, I mean YELLING! And I threw my headphones. Ugh.
I started thinking oh stupid gentleness. Test failed. EVERY week, we study a part of the fruit of the spirit and the last couple weeks, I’ve been failing every “pop quiz” that has come my way. I know that I can’t be more like Jesus if I don’t work on these fruit. I know it, and each test is a way to get better at what God knows we need to be more like Him.
I felt so defeated, and you might think it’s dumb but I cried. “I’m never gonna get this stupid fruit I’m like clay soil that nothing grows in!”. I might have been being a tad over dramatic but I really did feel so defeated. Ugh.
So I put in a podcast, a teaching by Bruxy Cavey at the meeting house. There is something about how he breaks things down, God’s love that we should share and it’s for us too! So by the end of the first podcast I listened to, I was feeling better. Breathing in Jesus. Knowing I failed but also knowing His mercies are new every minute not just every morning. I’m not perfect but I love The One who is! And He loves me!!
Also I have been feeling kind of crummy lately. Too many unwise choices at BBQs and other places. Garbage in, Garbage Out. So I decided that I would start making better choices… but wasn’t going to track… Now, let me tell you, for me, that is not a wise choice. I need to track my food… I just do, I do not do well if I don’t. So I decided to enter it all at the end of the day. That could have been awful. Just plain awful, but thankfully it wasn’t. And I felt good, that I made good choices, and they paid off. Today, I input my food BEFORE I packed it into my cooler for breakfast and lunch, which is even wiser.
Both of my issues are “heart issues”. I’m angry because my heart isn’t right in all areas and I make poor eating choices because it isn’t right too. I normally would just “chuck” the day but yesterday I decided, I didn’t need the hard reset of tomorrow (which I usually choose), I decided right that second to do a hard reset. There was no point in waiting, only more damage to myself and others would be done if I went on the current path. But that won't help anyone, especially me. So I have to stop, and pray, and do what I know to do, it makes me stronger. (2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. )
Later on yesterday I went for a walk with a dear friend and we just talked, where we are (not perfect) and where we’d like to be (Perfect). You know, that sometimes I am just a hot mess. A hot ugly mess, and yet, God works in me. And He used this friend to remind me not be a jerk, but to be who He is creating to me to be, right where I am. He has sent His spirit to speak to my heart to keep my light burning for Him.
Today, I am thankful for a God who never gives up, loves me enough to correct me, and set me on the right path. He is a Faithful Father and I am thankful for His grace.
John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”