Sometimes I surround myself with gads and gads of people. I love people. I love seeing people smile and be joyous and I like people to know that I love them, even in their hardest moments. I want to be that person who can be counted on when they need me. (Truth is I feel like I fail at this more times than I succeed).
After a really great service, our pastor asked us to go the alter if we felt lead. There is something sacred to me about the alter it is not somewhere I go to hang out. And while I'm spilling truth here, sometimes I feel the need to go but I don't. I don't know why, I just don't . Today I went. I went to lay my fear before Jesus to never pick it up again. And I started to cry. I hate that because I know when I get up I'm gonna look awful and walk past all those people. (I hardly ever go without crying)
What am I really really afraid of?
Isn't crazy? I'm often alone. I've actually learned to find comfort in 'alone'. And I've been lonely in large groups of people.
Alone is scary. Walk down an alley when a bunch of scary people are headed towards you and you're alone... That's scary. Or when there is a large group and you're not invited, feeling very alone, that's scary to, to not be accepted.
Alone is hard.
I work very hard at making people feel like they are never alone. (Failing and succeeding) My friend Netta says that we should be the kind of friend that we would want in our own lives, and so I try to make sure people are loved and wanted, cherished and chosen. Those are more than just words I say but rather I hope they are the actions in my life.
As I set that "alone" at the alter today God reminded me that I'm never really alone, that He is always with me.
I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I am sure of....
We are better together, and there is no reason to feel alone.