I like people to be happy.
There i said it.
I like it when i can do something to make them happy.
But that means i also carry a burden i don’t need to carry and it’s heavy.
I’m a people pleaser.
Gah.
I don’t want to let people down. I’ve battled this my whole life. Co-dependency. This is a dangerous trap.
Sometimes i take on characteristics of people and put God in that same box. And God is my favorite and i don’t ever want to let Him down but surely i haven’t mastered that.
I read a quote by Steven Furtak in a book I’m reading “you can’t let God down because you were never holding Him up”
I don’t know if it’s because as a child i wasn’t taught of the love of God i was taught to fear Him like He was a judgemental God who only cared about our sin and consequences or if it’s just some weird co-dependency thing but I’ve always been afraid of letting God down.
The crazy part of all of this is that I’ve learned that most likely I’m gonna let someone down no matter how hard i try, and I’ve just moved on to loving them the best i can.
But God is not people and i do want to strive for Him to say “well done my good and faithful servant” and i want to put Him first but to be honest my struggle with food is sometimes debilitating. I can’t feel God in the midst of my stress and, even for a moment - of weakness- food will bring me comfort and that makes me feel shameful because shouldn’t God be enough?
But God knows my weakness, and He loves me anyway. And He’s waiting for me to come back. I’m the prodigal daughter.
And when i think about Him instead of shame, it brings grace.
And in that moment I’m reminded, im not
Letting anyone down, I’m learning to accept grace, so i can freely give it away.
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