I can’t
always explain it, why there are days like Saturday when things seem so good
and then there are days like today when I feel like I am a turtle trudging through
peanut butter with a 50 lb weight on my chest.
If you
looked at me a few times today after work you would have seen me well up with
tears, and at some point if you were driving next to me, balling my eyes
out.
Somedays
seem good and some days just really suck.
On the
days when things are hard I really try to listen to worship music and think
about how good God is, sometimes my heart has to catch up with the words my mouth
is singing but it always does… but
today, I was thinking “God, really do You really love me? Because I serve You with my life, my whole life,
I really try to follow You, but what the heck, I’ve been asking for some big
things, and I am seeing them happen for others and… me… here I am. What the heck?” ( I sound like quite a jerk
don’t I, but I’m just keeping it real.)
Maybe
you don’t question God ever, and good for you, but when I’m tired and lonely
and at my wits end, I do, and typically He shows up in more ways than I ever
imagined. But this season is dang
hard.
REALLY
REALLY HARD.
Today I
specifically sang two songs… “It is well” by Bethel and “Pieces” by Amanda Cook
There
is a part of the chorus that says “you don’t give your heart in pieces, you don’t
hide your heart to tease us”
But the
truth is when I was singing it, I didn’t believe those words. Because I feel like I’m not getting the whole
picture. And I certainly don’t always feel
like God is for me in this season even if I know that He is.
And “it
is well” the chorus “And through it all, through it all,
My eyes are on You, And it is well with me” but things aren’t
well with me. I feel like an elephant is on my chest and it’s hard to get through
every day even though I’m counting my thankfuls like it’s my job because that
is really how I cope.
I feel like somehow I need to embrace
this season that there is something God has for me instead of just enduring
it. I want to look ahead because something
better must be on the horizon, I know it’s coming, but then maybe I will miss
something right in front of me. Maybe a
good friend a moment of vulnerability that God will bring peace and comfort
through.
I DON’T
KNOW.
I
think of Jer 29:11 Jeremiah 29:11-15 English Standard Version (ESV)
11 For I know the plans I have
for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a
future and a hope.
And I believe God’s word to be
true. So I guess stitched in my heart I
know it to be true.
But I also know and love the rest of
the passage…
12 Then
you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.
13 You will seek me and
find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the
nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into
exile.
I must seek Him, and seek Him first
no matter how I am feeling. I need to act on my belief that He is true and that
He loves me whether I FEEL it or
not. I know that I won’t be in this
season forever (though it seems like it somedays). I need to embrace His love
for me and believe it.
I guess I am just working through all
these days and feelings. Thanks for
loving me. In my ugly ugly mess.
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