Authentic: feelings

Part of being authentic is speaking about real feelings of the waves of life that knock us to our feet. Today the news of stage three cancer of a family member (thought previous to today was thought to be stage 1) was a lot to handle, and i needed to write about it, no prompts. It might not make complete sense, but neither do i most of the time anyway. And feelings rarely make sense, that's why they are called logic 😏

****

 I long for a sense of relief from each day. 

I feel the daily grind ripping at my soul and the overwhelming feeling of bad news over and over again.  But i will not give up. 

I mean really how much can one person's heart take of feeling sad?

Today as i talked about how i felt about today's crushing blows the tears I've been holding in came rushing out. I used to cry freely but I've been told "don't cry" so many times I've learned to bottle my tears and then sell them for my peace. 

It felt good to cry and to feel for just a moment before knowing that soon we'd need a plan, of something we don't know how to navigate. It feels as though I've been asked to draw a map to a place before I've ever been there. 

I'm sad today tossed with some anger like dressing tossed on a wilted salad. 

I feel like apologizing for any mistakes i make along the way, as if i should apologize for the boulders i trip over as they are being thrown at me. I can't apologize for the mistakes i might make or even the ones i do when i always know that i make the best decisions based on the information i have at the give time, because these are unprecedented times. 

I tell myself i won't apologize for crying but i know i will look at peoples faces as they are uncomfortable when i cry, but i will because in my sadness i don't want to make anyone else sad. 

I'm a strong woman, and like Momma T says "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." And i know the saying "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" isn't true. What i do know is that God never leaves me as i walk through each chaotic storm of life. He also sends friends and family to hold our hands and hand us napkins and paper towels because Kleenex isn't always available when i just break out in tears because my feelings are overwhelming. 

I will seek out love and joy. I will never let the love and joy of this world be overshadowed by sadness. Because i choose to find the joy in each day doesn't mean it isn't hard, it just means i won't let my focus be on the negative. I may cry tears of sadness but i will also cry great tears of joy. My faith will carry me through, and when my faith isnt enough i will rest on the prayers from others and rest in the God who loves me.