There are some women stuff in todays post so... this is your warning...
Today was my day of "women tests" you know all that fun stuff... Pap smears, mammograms
Things I'm thankful for. It's not lost on me that not all women have access to healthcare.
So. I am getting older that means the tests I have keep getting funner and funner! LOL
I was supposed to have a colonoscopy but after doing all the prep work, the place called and said "the power is out"... wawaaaaaa.... I could careless about what happens when I had to drink the gatorade mixed with fiber. but the actual drinking of that stuff... gross! I only like 1 flavor gatorade... fruit punch and guess what flavor I couldn't drink... Fruit punch because it's red. So eventually I need to get up the nerve to drink that gross stuff, this is hard for someone who only drinks water, iced tea, and an occasional Pepsi.
But today my doctor walked in with the mammogram referral, which, I already had scheduled, and asked me AGAIN about the BRCA test. I've always said no because I didn't want the "preexisting condition" but this time I said "yes" I don't know what the right answer is, yes or no. To know or not to know. This time, I decided I would get the testing.
Now thinking back, the timing of this was not good. Why on earth I decided to get this testing on the same day I had a mammogram I will never know... I already stress out about getting a mammogram. I guess that's a result of having a mom who died from Breast Cancer, even though the earlier the better... it's still stressful because what if this one time... You don't have to understand, I am just sharing how I feel.
Maybe you've been trekking with me but I have been on the hunt for information regarding Perimenopause and what the heck it's doing to my body and my mind. It's been very interesting. If you are interested in learning more about Perimenopause, you can listen to this podcast Perimenopause WTF. It's been quite the journey! I've learned a lot and feel like I am taking back control over my body and feeling so much better!
Now... let's get back to BRCA testing. I had it done but it will take about 5 weeks for the results. I got in my car and then headed to my mammogram. It was about 45 minutes before my appt. like I said, it's always stressful for me, and I made the mistake of reading my essay from when I walked in the Breast Cancer 3 day. Which I thought would remind me why it's important to get these tests but instead I started crying. Then I thought about the test results from BRCA, then I worked out my whole mastectomy, cancer treatment, my funeral. I was A MESS. What the heck. It's not like I even had any indication that I have cancer.
But I spiraled. and I am sure I am not the only one this kind of stuff happens to.
I was talking to my friend and I said "I don't even know why I did the test" but then it hit me. I am tired of not knowing. This way, I get the results and I know. And I GET A CHOICE. I like choices. I don't like things happening TO me. I think most people are like that. But I think subconsciously I took back my power. I took back the power that this stupid disease has over me.
That is POWERFUL.
I am POWERFUL.
I don't know what the results will show. And OBVIOUSLY I don't know what I will do. But I do know that I get the choice to know and there hasn't been a day in my life that God hasn't been with me, and He won't leave no matter the result. But also... praying for no BRCA mutation.
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