One thing I really struggle with is expectations. This is no different than before my dad died.
This past week I was in Miami, I was working most of the days but I certainly did enjoy my share of fun!
Yesterday I went to see Wicked with my friend and her granddaughter and then celebrated my friend's son's birthday. It was a day of just fun!
But that means that all the things that need to get done... need to get done today. And getting things cleaned out of my dad's house is top on the list.
I made Breakfast sandwiches for the next three weeks for the kid's early bible study, made breakfast sandwiches for me too (instead of stopping!) and lunches for the community fridge but there just doesn't seem to be enough time to get things done.
Today I decided that I will deliver the lunches and I am going to go to my dad's instead of going to church. I know that there are many benefits to church but today my anxiety caused by expectations needs to be shut up by getting things done.
The expectation of making everyone happy - which who's judging for going or not going to church? No one. But previously I went to a church/cult that thought everything should come after church. and sometimes that weird church trauma rears its ugly head, and I have to cut it off.
I went to the house and cleaned out the cedar closet - which was previously a work room and it wasn't even that big and didn't "seem" to have that much stuff in it.... 7 39-gallon garbage bags, and 2 giant bags of donations. There wasn't much that I kept for donations.
The days that we clean a room out and there are tons of memories, those days are the best, even if we cry. But the days that it's just trash, those are the worst and the hardest.
About half way through - maybe 1/3 way through I was really overwhelmed. so I sat down... and took at nap to regulate myself LOL
and I had even gotten a text message from my Pastor checking on me since I haven't been in church in a couple weeks. and let me tell you, he wasn't checking because I did or didn't do something, it's not like me to miss church. I typically go every week. And all that church trauma (see above) had me feeling some kinda way... but then I just chilled for a second and reminded myself that he was really just checking on me!
Grief is so hard! seriously. sometimes I never know how it's gonna hit me or when. And I don't like it. I'm thankful for friends and a few books I've been reading. It's been really helping me to identify feelings and feel them.
Currently my house is a mess! I've got celebration of life stuff everywhere.
It's winter sowing time.
And I am trying to do a purge.
I literally just told someone to "slow down Lucy" that's what I say to myself when I got too many irons in the fire. and so I am Thinking the purge may have to wait. And that's ok. don't need to do everything.
and honestly, i don't need to do anything. LOL
Grief.
It's weird.
******
And just for funnizies.... that pic is a pic of my gramma doing a Jell-O shot 😂
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