The Journey of Grief - beliefs and feelings

 It's certainly been interesting the last few days...  I can't stop crying.  I think I'm so overwhelmed by so much that it's just leaking out my eyes!

This evening I went for a walk (Now I am used to walking twice a day and just because Ralphie isn't here, doesn't mean I can't walk) and just was thinking about all the things rolling around in my heart.  

Grief is insane I tell ya!

Today I was thinking about how I never really believed that my dad was proud of me.  He said he was, and people told me that he was, but honestly, I never felt like it or believed it.  I knew he was proud of Phyllis and he'd say that I did a great job raising her (sometimes taking credit for it too - and he really deserved some of the credit LOL) but other than that I didn't feel like he was.

I'd always say "I hope my momma is proud of me" and people would encourage me and say that she would be but I just never felt like I could live up to whatever my dad wanted me to be.  Though he never said what he expected.    Maybe he just wanted me to end up like "white trash" and boy... I was really going for it sometimes.  He never really encouraged me to go to College - I assumed he didn't think I was smart enough...  

He would talk about walking Phyllis down the aisle and I said "oh gave up on that for me, huh?" and he just shrugged.  (and for the record - there's nothing wrong with being single - better to be single than stupid and marry just to be with someone)

He never really said much about my trips to Haiti, or Africa, or El Salvador.  He'd never really ask about the times I went on Mission Trips with tons of teens to Detroit for weeks at a time.  I thought maybe he didn't think it was a good idea, but maybe he was nervous something would happen to me... who knows?!

When I think about it, I am not sure if he knew what I did, and for a long time I didn't know if he cared.  Maybe he did but he never asked.  

I don't say these things because he was a bad guy or a horrible dad, I am just feeling my feelings and trying to put words to them to express how I feel.  Which I feel crazy! 

I think I know deep down he was proud of me - as a mom, as a daughter, and as a business woman, I just wish somehow I had believed it when he was alive.

Just processing so many feelings...  

I hope if you have BIG feelings that you learn to feel them, process them, and heal.