I've been going to the cemetery since i was a young girl. As an adult, I'd go to the cemetery to "talk to my momma" because that's where she is. That's the memories i have her.
That seems so weird. I have no other places to go to that remind me of my mom. None.
That really sucks. The place i think of my mom is the cemetery.
My dad rarely talked about my mom. He loved her so much but every time he talked about her, I cried. It's hard to watch someone cry. Especially when it's your girl about a loss so great that 51 years later, i still cannot put to words the magnitude of my loss.
On Tuesday, it will be two years since my dad passed away. There was some scar tissue that was ripped wide open. And the day of his funeral it was a great dicotamy of standing there being strong and wanting to fall to my knees in a heartbreak that I've lived all my life, death is a sting like nothing else. Little girls should not have to live without their moms.
Today we sang a song in church today and i cried out to God that it just wasn't fair that my mom died. And there was a whole lot with my dad and his health. It has been years of healing, it's not always easy, and often I hold back the tears.
Christ is my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I've never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
'Cause He's never let me down
He's faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?
He won't
As i was singing "He won't" and added in my heart, "fail to give me peace, bring me joy"
Last year my daughter and I visited the the cemetery and we got a wreath. In my trips to the cemetery we never took wreaths or grave blankets. But last year we went to the cemetery and decided we'd put down a grave blanket or put a wreath. So we stopped at the florist across the street from the cemetery that i went to as a kid, and a wreath was $80! What the heck. Loveyou dad, mom, and sister but that's a lot! My dad said we always went there because it was reasonable. That is not reasonable! This year i went to Costco and got a wreath for $20 and went to English garden and got a stand for $17. (That is more like it!)
I've known this day was coming. It's like my heart and body store this time of year as the air grows colder, it remembers. It remembers that there was a great loss November 18, 2023. It seems like it was just yesterday and seems longer than 2 years ago. There are still so many times I feel like like picking up the phone and calling him. Even just today I had to get a squirrel (RIP) out of my garage and I thought "I wish I could call my dad to get this out of my garage" (and it's been YEARS since he would have been able to do it), but I know that if I called him, he would have laughed and give me the business.
Death carries a weight I've known for almost all of my life.
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