Passion



Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)


Wednesday, May 07, 2014

I am a Motherless Daughter



I am a motherless daughter.  I mean, had a mom, and I am blessed with a step-mom (and she’s awesome!) but I have grown up without my mother. 

I read this devotion http://www.incourage.me/2014/05/for-motherless-daughters.html and was actually intrigued to read it because I am a motherless daughter.

There are a few things I’d like to say…  because I know of this subject.

I HATE THAT MY MOMMA DIED!!!!!!

That will come as no shock to you.  Talk about my momma and I cry.  I dreamt so many times that people would one day say “I’m sorry but we lied, she didn’t really die, here she is”.  Now of course that would come with it’s own set of baggage and my life isn’t ‘Days of Our Lives’ so that didn’t happen.

I have been riddled with guilt MY WHOLE LIFE because my mom got cancer when she was pregnant with me.  I know that my dad was with my mom when she died, and just 3 short years before that, he was with my sister when she died.  So how in the world does some young child carry around the guilt thinking she caused her dad (and the rest of her family) so much pain.  No one even talks about her.  I mean, well of course, because I cry every time (I’m crying now).

I’ve had moments when I am so mad at God for talking my mom, and I’ve had moments where I have said “I don’t like it, but it’s Your will, so I’ll accept it”.  I’ve even walked in Breast Cancer walks to bring honor to His decision to bring her home.  You can read here if you’d like to read my essay http://christdrivenmom.blogspot.com/2012/10/my-momma-is-my-hero.html

I still hate it.  40 years later and I still wish my momma was here.  

But I have to tell you something, I’m a good momma because I want to be the momma I wish I always had, and sometimes it’s a real struggle.  To know when to hold on and when to let go.  When to say something and when not to.  I love my daughter with all that I am, she is my greatest earthly gift, and I strive to be a good momma to her.

I know one thing, that in our lives, mommas aren’t supposed to leave.  And sometimes because I miss my momma, I am able to love children who don’t have mommas or who make wrong choices and sometimes the only words I have are “I know baby, mommas aren’t supposed to leave, I am sorry”.  No one loves you like your momma and when mommas don’t love their babies it’s hard for kids to understand.

I love the orphans in Haiti a little more, and hug them a little tighter because their mommas aren’t with them either.  And maybe it’s because they are no longer on this earth or maybe it’s because they simply just can’t take care of them, I don’t know but I know that as long as my arms work, there will be hugs for them.  Momma hugs.

I will never say that I am happy my momma isn’t here, but I am thankful that God has used it for His good.

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