Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my dad lately. Maybe it was our latest argument (in the story of Bob and Margie). Maybe it’s that he asked me to define his role as my dad. I don’t know. But nonetheless, a lot of thinking has been going on…

To tell you the truth, outside of my dad’s annual Christmas party and my birthday, I have no memories of winter events. I can tell you a story from about every summer. About falling in the water, about ‘The Barbie Boat’, about being the first one in the water, and the last one out. The times of going out on the aluminum boat, and fishing, and the hours and hours and fast food after fast food while my dad worked on the “Margie Lou IV” & “Margie Lou V”, the jackets we had with such names… My favorite picture of me and my dad on the “Margie Lou III”.

Summer was our time. It was leaving on Friday as soon as he got off work, and rolling in on Sunday night after New York Strips and Steak fries at the Stonehedge for some ridiculously cheap price. I remember how much he hated taking the garbage out Sunday night because we were TIRED from a weekend of playing (maybe this is why I hate taking the garbage out). I could sit and eat a bag of Doritos in one sitting (the big bag) or pizza from Frankies.

I thought my dad was the greatest man ever. He was my hero.

When I asked him what he wanted for holidays, it was always a “hug and a kiss”. Every night, it was the same thing before I went to bed “hands, face, and teeth”. When we’d argue, the way I knew everything was ok (and him to check if I was still mad) “do you want to go groceries?”

He was awesome, he still is. He is constantly looking out for me, and watching to make sure I’m ok, and that Phyllis is ok, and that my gram is ok. He watches over all of us.

Yesterday, he came to my porch, and I think he came to my house first to talk. He had something he just needed to talk about, and I was so honored he did. Stupid, huh? I always have known that he was my friend, but yesterday, I realized, I’m his friend too.

It’s been a long, dramatized story of Bob and Margie. It’s been a long road we have traveled, filled with fun and heartache, laughter and tears. And at the end of it all…

We’re friends.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. —John 15:13

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

God shuts a door… Hard…

There are many instants in my life when I have seen the signs that it is time to move on… but I think I am not ready. God keeps telling me and I don’t listen… I push and push…

And then it happens, He says… “so, I have been warning you, telling you to move on… but you refuse… you hard head…”


Door closed. He had beautiful double French doors open for me, but I was too busy trying to make something work that I didn’t see them… Dope!

This has happened in my life so many times, men, friends, work… After each SLAM of the door, God shows me just a little of His vision.

God’s plan is always the best one, and the older I get, the more I realize this. I realize that it’s not about me, it’s all about Him. He puts things in our lives sometimes for a lifetime and sometimes just for a season. When we listen, there is no difference in greatness between the lifetime or the season. They both have their own purpose. I trust in God that He will know what I need.

“ In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? ”-
Psalm 56:4

Monday, May 29, 2006

“This is the day the Lord has made; let us be glad and rejoice in it.” Psalm 118: 24

This scripture means so much to me...

First, I can visualize my friend Dana and her daughter Katie singing it in the fellowship hall... too cute! Love you Dana!

Second, in all my trials, I TRY to remember, this is the day the Lord has made and a great ending will be part of this trial.

And then there are days like today. Most would not think this was a great day... but for me... I got to clean my house and work outside in the yard. It was fabulous. I think I used a whole pack of yard waste bags today alone. And I think I went through a whole bottle of Mr. Clean (the only man in my life right now) and I am so pleased! It was nice to take the time to do it right, not just do it enough to get by...

It was a beautiful day, it was hot, but remember what it's like in the winter!!

Days like this always remind me of how much God loves me that He gives me an extra day of the weekend to get things done at my own pace, and time to sit on the porch and look at how beautiful it is.

This is the day, this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. We will rejoice, we will rejoice and be glad in it and be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it. This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has mmmaaadddeeee!!

Saturday, May 27, 2006

My dad…

My dad is probably in some ways your very conventional dad. Has wisdom, that I don’t listen to, but wish I would have. He’s my very good friend. He helps me with stuff around the house, with Phyllis (could not have done it without him), lots of stuff. And he tells the dumbest jokes, that you just can’t help but laugh at… He’s a good joke teller, I think it’s a dad thing…

In some ways we have not always had the conventional father-daughter relationship, not because we didn’t want to, but that’s just not how it went for us. Like most people, I don’t think I learned about God from my dad. We didn’t really say prayers, God really wasn’t talked about, BUT he did put people like my gram and Aunt, Sissy, to teach me those things. My mom died when I was young, so at a young age I was part of a team that ran a household, cleaned, cooked… all that good stuff. But he was a really good dad, poor guy, had to get Mother's Day cards and dumb flower pots...

And about a month ago, maybe three weeks ago, my dad asked me (after a big fight we had) what I wanted from him. All I could think of was, “I don’t know, for you to be MY dad”. I love my dad for everything he does for Phyllis, I love my dad that he will help anyone out, I love my dad for so many reasons, but sometimes I just need my dad to help ME. Help me with the stupid lawnmower that won’t run right (sure I probably could have figured it out – but EW! – I was seriously going to buy a new one and all it needed was an air filter and a new spark plug – kids these days). Help me cut down that stupid tree that is growing out of my neighbor’s bushes, into my yard.

I just wanted my dad to be my dad.

We had a silly, stupid day today. We cleaned the boat, went out to dinner and like when I was a kid (my nick name was motor mouth) I talked my dad’s (and Deni’s) ears off. And then he came over to show me how I could rearrange my laundry area after I get the new laundry tub and then he fixed my lawn mower, cut down that stupid tree, helped me with the lawn. Dumb stuff. And you know… I just looked at my dad, and thought… that’s what I needed.

There are a hundred fights I could tell you that me and my dad have had, but I could tell you about a MILLION awesome dad-daughter moments that me and my dad have had.

He’s a great dad…

And his favorite joke he’s telling now…

Did you hear the Pope caught the bird flu?
He got it from the Cardinal.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Two weeks from tomorrow (June 10th) I will be officially the proud earner of a Bachelor's Degree in Business... At first I said I wanted a graduation party. Then... NO WAY! Now... a get together (or a party) is sounding almost like a good idea again... but only if I can cook for everyone. Sounds crazy doesn't it?! I have put aside having holidays and parties (except for Phyl's b-day) because I just don't have time to cook and clean... yada yada. Now... I am thinking I should have a party. Cook for a couple of days... I love to feed people, it is one of my favorite spiritual gifts I have.

So far the only celebration I have planned is that I am leavng the day I am finished with school and heading down to Ohio to celebrate! I'm still thinking.

Ecc 3:1-8 A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I believe that most days I am a good mom. Lately though, I feel like I am being spread like 1 tablespoon of peanut butter on a whole loaf of bread. I feel like I am not home enough. There is school, and a job that requires me to stay late, meaning that it's Panera for dinner because I am too tired, there's a wedding (its over now), and a million other things that pull me away from home.

I'm a single mom, which means I have to ask for help from people who did not sign up to take my daughter to school, I have to pay for things out of a paycheck that sometimes doesn't seem big enough for us (see pb over bread analogy), but somehow I make it. It's God.

It's because of Phyllis I go to school (I hate it), it's because of her I work, I have a home, all the things in life that I don't like to do... I do it for her. So she will be a better woman than me.

It's because of Phyllis I know the greatest love (outside of my relationship with God) that I have ever known. It's because of Phyllis, I see God everyday in her eyes. It's because of Phyllis I am a better person.

Psalm 112:2
His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I've decided to take the idea of reflection from Sara's blog... Since I am trying to figure out where I am going, I figure it's a good idea to see where I've been.
Walk with Me.
See how far I’ve come.
See how much longer I have on my journey.
I’ve never walked alone. God has always been with me. It was me who chose to hold God’s hand. It has been the best choice I’ve ever made.
My life has not been the same, my perspective is different. Before I decided to take the walk with God, my journey was filled with big potholes, the kind that rip the rubber right off your tires. But my journey is much more beautiful because my perspective is changed.
I have to put myself in check, and sometimes change my perspective. But life is more joyous when my perspective is from God’s view. What does He want to teach me, what am I supposed to help someone else learn?
God’s view is beautiful. He created all the beauty in the world.
Lev 26:12-13 12I will walk among you; I will be your God, and you will be my people. 13I, the LORD, am your God

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2

This is probably my favorite verse, this one and Jer 29:11. I wear it around my neck. It’s my favorite one because it’s the one I need most in my life.

I can get caught up in this world. I can get caught up in people hurting my feelings. I can just get caught up, knocked down, and step into my own crap.

From past lessons, I have learned to hold my tongue, breathe, and pray. And pray and pray and pray until the pain in my chest, the brain aneurysm, and the stress all subside.

You can pray through anything. It’s difficult, but I really try. Through tests (School and medical), through trials, through triumphs.

I am a visual person; there are Jesus pictures, Jesus calendars, and crosses, whatever it takes to help me get through whatever it is I need to get through.

Today, someone really hurt my feelings, and I had to pray hard. But today, isn’t always my concern, my concern is how my life’s testimony will affect someone else’s future. We live here for today, our tomorrow, it will be with Jesus.
The wedding!! It has come... and gone... and here are some really good (the one's I'm not in) and some not so good (the one's I am in) pictures.

I have decided that if I ever get married, I will be eloping. My family and friends will one day thank me for this because even the happiest of people, the one's who follow God with everything they are, get REALLY stressed, thus stressing everyone else.

The beautiful Bride!! She was absolutely stunning in her dress!!

It has been amazing to watch the love for her and Tiny grow!

And to be part of the big day was an absolute honor!!

Here is one of those... not so good pictures. If you ever wondered what a circus clown in a swimming pool looked like... this is it...

Here are the handsome men prior to the beautiful

bride walking down the aisle

Song of Solomon: 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.

Monday, May 22, 2006

This is just a funny praise. I shoud have written this Friday when it happened!

I have been preparing for my bestie's wedding, finally found the PERFECT shoes (praise #1), I loved them, and then add that they were only $12.50 after the B1G1 1/2 off sale... They really were perfect! I loved them! I got a pedicure, had to have pretty feet!

I have been getting a lot of stuff in the house prepared because I knew I was leaving and wouldn't be home, stressed from all the work that has to be done, and it all got smashed in a smaller amount of time, I PACKED the kitchen cupboards, apparently too much, had too much food in there (praise #2), the cans fell out of the cupboard... and I quickly moved my feet, but one of the cans fell on my toe and cut it... but nothing broken or bruised (praise #3).

Now, remember, it's a perspective thing... i have a cut on my toe... for a wedding... I could be mad, but I think it's funny that God gave me all those blessings and to help me remember them all, He gave me a little cut, like a string around a NORMAL person's finger, to remind me how much He loves me...

Deu 32:3 I will proclaim the name of the LORD. Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I've been gone since Friday... sorry I haven't written....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, a lot of praying. Trying to figure out exactly it is that I belong. I know it sounds very odd, but I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I can be like a chameleon and blend in anywhere. I can be blue, brown, green, just don't ask me to be pink, I can't do that.

There are a lot of layers to me, a few peeled back depending on how much I feel like I can trust someone. A lot of walls built up because of people who I thought I could trust.

I'm stuck because I feel like my skin of the chameleon is tired of changing. I know it sounds weird, I know who I am, but people have a different view of me or they want me to be something that I don't know if I can be. Does that make sense?

Let's start with being a Christian. I am a Christian, my walk may be long, but there is no doubt who my heart belongs to. Maybe I don't have the best testimony everyday, for one, I can cuss like a sailor, I'm not proud of it, but I do. There are many a bad choice I have made, and many that come up to me everyday, and I sometimes would like to make the wrong choice, it seems more fun. With all my mistakes, I know who my heart belongs to, I know who I am following, but my growth needs to come from Him, I need to listen to Him, not who everyone else wants me to be.

Let's move on to being a mother. A task that I take very seriously. A task that I constantly second guess myself on. Everyday. How will the decisions I make today, affect the outcome of the beautiful, beautiful (I say it once for external beauty and once for internal beauty). I think I am a pretty good mom, I have raised ‘the princess and the pea’ daughter, but I think she’s doing all right.

I sometimes feel like I am constantly in a state of keeping everyone happy. Sometimes I feel like while I am trying to keep everyone else happy, I feel like I lose myself. I feel like I know who I am but because it’s not the norm, I feel like everyone is trying to change me. But I truly feel like all the mishaps, God has taken them all, and made good of them.
I know who I am, if only I could get those around me to realize I like who I am. I may not be perfect, but God is working in me everyday.

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I'm not invincible.

I grow weary.

I didn't write yesterday. Or the day before. I was too tired. I wondered if anyone even noticed...

I have learned quite a lot over the last two years of giving all I have to everything; school, work, Phyllis, church, family, friends... spreading myself too thin... not saying no when I should have. Trying not to feel guilty when I did manage to say no, and stick to it. The greatest lesson I learned in school was nothing from a book.

I've learned...

that it's ok to ask people for help because I can't do it all (imagine that!)

It's ok to say no, it's not serving or a blessing if I'm grumbling (can you believe it??)

I've learned that it's about week 7 in every semester that God makes some kind of break in the schedule so I can go to Prayer Service and regroup.

I need to speak up when something is bothering me... not wait until I explode.

I've learned that people really love me.

Mostly though, I've learned that God is everything, He never empties, He is always full, always there to ask for help, to ask for wisdom, to ask for strength. I've learned to look inward and upward. I've learned that I will never win the strongest contest, there is always One stronger, and the best thing? I can draw off that strength. I know that He can carry me when I am too tired to go on. I know He can fill me up when I am empty.

God is Everlasting.

Psalm 102:11-12 11 My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. 12 But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


So, I've got this stress hive, from my lips to my chin! I woke up with it!! AHH!! Not my face!! AHHH!!!

2 papers left, 3 exams, a portfolio to put together. I can do it, because... (I know you know it...) I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!! (Phil 4:13).

Please understand, I don't always know how i got here,but I do know that God has delivered me. I also know that there are bigger things to pray about than my school, but please know this, while there is nothing too big for God, there is nothing to small for Him either. I believe that He wants to be part of our ever-small life. From the dishes to the disease, from the heartaches to the heart attacks.

I am ever-thankful that I have friends who are prayer warriors, I am thankful for those I get to pray for. Prayer is the foundation for which we build our faith on because it's all about Jesus.

Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I had the best weekend!! Thanks for getting married Christie, the first three weekends in May (two down - one to go!) have been/are going to be so awesome.

I was told the other day I've been cranky for 4 weeks... nice... got to love those friends who love you so much, they tell you the truth.

I'm tired, I've had a stomach ache for at least that long. So, yes, I'm a little crabby!!

Yesterday was so much fun!! We just did silly stuff, and you have GOT TO LOVE the Scene it TV edition... I want it!

Nice relaxing weekend, well kind of, but if it wasn't relaxing it was fun!!

Have a great week! If you need a prayer, let me know... and Sara... girl... you were holding out on me... I will be praying for you!!!

For the scripture verse today... ask God to send you a good one... open the bible... and read it. And you can comment on what you got!

Love you!!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I don’t really deserve anything. It is only by God’s grace and love for me that I have anything. But I have everything, at least the way I look at it.

I have a house that from the day I looked at it, I knew it was mine. I have a daughter who is wonderful, a daughter who is all the good I am. Who has lessons to learn, just as I did, and do. I have a great job, and great friends, and a great family.

I don’t deserve any of it. But I will tell you this, I take the gifts I have very seriously. I want to be the best daughter I can be (though my poor father – knows I fall very short). I want to be the best friend, cousin, niece, I can be.

With all my blessings and gifts from above, there is one that is heads above the rest. Phyllis.

I always want to be the best treat mom (many baseball cupcakes and cookies have been made), the mom who is in the front row, the mom who can provide favorite meals, the clothes she wants (within reason), the mom who tells the doctors “you’re wrong” when they don’t have HER best interests at heart, the mom that she can sit on the toilet while I take a bath and tell me her triumphs and short falls, and knows that I will listen, be proud, and pray with her to get through them all. I want to be the mom, that is her mom first, and then her friend, one she knows she can count on. One who teaches her great lessons, and is open to the ones she has taught and will continue to teach me.

Above all, I want to be the mom that God looks down and says, “I knew I could trust you with My precious gift”.

2 Cor 6:10 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything

Friday, May 12, 2006

I was listening to the radio the other day and the "impossible question" was "What percentage of people have heard God speak to them?"


That's it? I think it's because people just don't listen. I don't know about you, but I hear God speaking to me all the time, sometimes I choose not to listen (which never works out for me) . I started a new practice this year, 5 minutes with nothing but me and God. No radio, no car, no tv, no phone. Just me and God. It was very difficult at first. Mostly I just talked, but eventually I started listening. I called it my version of Psalm 46:10 - Shut up and listen to me, I'm God. That's my translation, not His.

I ask God for a lot of stupid stuff, a parking spot, my papers that I could not find yesterday, He literally said, "Go downstairs", I kid you not, I walked down the stairs and there they were.

I ask God for a lot of big stuff, watch over Phyllis, take care of my friends and family. Healing for the sick. Lots of stuff.

I sing praises to Him in Joy and Happiness, I cry out to Him when I am sad.

I think He speaks to us all, we just don't always listen.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know He is God or my version - Shut up and listen to me, I'm God. Whichever works for you.

Deut 30:20 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Happy Mother’s Day!!

It’s all in my perspective…

I am a good mom. Maybe not the best (but I do have the best daughter- ever- again sorry if I offend you because you THINK you have the best daughter).

I didn’t have a mom that I came in contact with everyday but I had wonderful women in my life who taught me great lessons. Homemade treats are the best, but sometimes oreos are good too. Doritos are my favorite. How to make soup from a packet (SPRING VEGGIE –It’s my fave). How to set a table, how to love with my whole heart, to stand up for myself. How to chew gum without smacking my lips. To love Christ. Millions of lessons, good and bad.

I am a good mom. My daughter’s face lights up when she smiles, she knows she’s beautiful, she’s smart, she loves to cook, she knows what she likes, she stands up for herself, she prays, she’s sweet without being sickening, she’s responsible. She loves Christ,

She knows her mom loves her.

I am a good mom. And for all the things I am not, God is.

Sorry Sara- I stole your idea...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


“I want to fly” – Tomas Lara III

I asked my friend Tom one time, what super power would you want if you could have ANY one? He said he would like to fly. That would be so cool to him.

Hmmm… until today, I had forgotten about that. Truth is, I never really forget anything. It just gets stored in the “use for later” compartment of my brain. You can ask anyone who has known me for a long time.

I never really cared to fly. I don’t even like doing it in an airplane, but yesterday I flew. I think that people just lifted me up in prayer, and I think God took it from there. I was so tired. I was weary. But I feel so rejuvenated, it’s unbelievable, and though many may consider beating cancer a miracle, I feel as though I was a part of a miracle yesterday. It is amazing what prayer and a Psalm can do for you ( literally prayed “give me the one I need God” He answered with Psalm 18). Wouldn’t that be funny if a doctor said, “take two Psalms and call me in the morning”! Whew! That’s funny!! I crack myself up, two pieces. Sorry. I digressed.

My daughter was in a choir informance (whatever the heck that means, but she sang on stage). For a moment, I felt like the best mom in the whole world. She glows up there. She smiles and sings her great big heart out! And I feel like I have never made a mistake. I feel like whatever I left empty, God filled it in her. She’s awesome. I flew. I cried. I got some of the crud out. It was amazing, and the hole that was left after I cried, God filled it with love.

Thank you for your prayers, thank you for lifting me up. Thank you for helping me to fly.

God is so good.

Your Sister In Christ,


Psalm 18:1 - 6

1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.

2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;

my cry came before him, into his ears.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Ok... I'm tired. I need a nap... for like 3 days!! Not kidding. But I don't have 3 hours or even three minutes to take a nap.

So my blog today. Pray for me. That's it. I need prayer. I need strength, I need wisdom. I'm tired.

I have 4 weeks left until I am permently done with school... at least for the moment.

Don't know what to pray for me about... Here's my top 10...

1. That my daughter is not neglected. I feel awful when I am not around for her.
2. Pray that I can have patience and understanding when dealing with my family.
3. Peace. I have a big day to get through, let the love of Christ surround me and give me peace
4. Finances. I hate bills, I hate paying them. Pray they are minimal this month
5. Strength to get through the piles of stuff I have to get through.
6. Wisdom & Knowledge to finish my papers.
7. Love. That love surrounds me
8. Perspective. There are so many awesome things going on in my life, pray that i have the perspective to see all the good things.
9. Rest. Pray that when I close my eyes that i get good sleep.
10. Pick something you know i need but I can't see.
11. Joy

Love you.

Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I hate Mother's Day.

You would think that I have the greatest daughter on the earth (sorry for all of you who think you do - mine is it!) that I would get over my sadness of Mother's Day. It's rough for me. I know it's coming, and I wish the time away, that it will come and go, quickly. I rarely get to do what I want, we always go out to eat (I'd rather BBQ at my house). I spend it thinking of all the cards I made for my dad, for my grandma because I didn't have a mom. It sucked. Everyone felt sorry for me. It sucked.

I am praying that this year will be different. Next year, I think we are going to go somewhere, I don't know where, somewhere. This year we will just go out to eat. And maybe watch a movie (or if something is good at the $1 show - we'll go there). I am so thankful for my daughter, and I hope and pray this year, my perspective is what it should be - I'm so blessed to have the beautiful daughter and family I have.

Thank you God for this cross I have been bearing for so long, it has made me the person I am.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. About Me. Who I am.

It’s been kind of interesting. Women, in general, are funny because we talk a lot (and I mean A LOT) and we don’t necessarily want an answer but we talk to help sort it out, like somehow hearing it in our “outloud voice” helps us to solve our problems. But it’s nice when we have awesome people in our lives to help us sort it out.

I’ve been talking to a lot of friends, a lot of people who know me in different ways. Some who didn’t know me before I was a Christian, some who have known me for a short time, some who have known me for a long time. All gave me some awesome perspectives. 2 out of 3 know that some of my dilemmas of late are due to self esteem. I know that people see things in me that are awesome, but I don’t see them in myself.

Some, a lot, of things have come from when I was a kid. Not feeling special, and even though I know that my mom fought hard to live, she still left me. I know… I know…

As of late, I have been cutting back on my volunteering, not because I want to, but because I have the incredible need to keep my sanity. I have also been doing a lot of reflecting on how I got here. How I got so tired, exhausted. And it’s very funny, ok, maybe not funny, but I know God was up there, saying “I could stop this but she needs to learn on her own. I keep teaching her this lesson… and she keeps missing the point…” I can see Him up there, shaking His head, “here she goes again”. I think I missed the mark because I never shut up long enough to listen (I am so glad I have a great friend who is my accountability partner for my 5 minutes a day). I always understood the “rules” with God but never the “relationship” with God. I always thought you just prayed for help, I never knew to praise. Now I get that it’s a two way street, and the view is better, the ride is smoother, if you do it with God as your Father, but mostly, as your friend, as someone how loves you for who you are, good and bad. I am not saying that there isn’t construction (there are orange barrels all around me right now) but I know where I’ve been, I even know how I got there, and I know where I want to be. One step at a time, get out the map, because here I come.

Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Friday, May 05, 2006

Do you know how many times I have been told in the last week to relax?? Too many. I am wound pretty tight, I could give you a lot of reasons (excuses) but the fact of the matter really is that I am over stimulated. By work, by school, home, bills, responsibilities, friends, caffeine, you name it. I can't let go. I even have to focus when I try to relax. Isn't that nuts??

All I wanted to do was go on the boat. That's it, some sunshine, some water, maybe even a barley pop.

But i did manage to relax yesterday, for a little while. I think I was just so tired, that I couldn't help it. I didn't even get overstimulated by TV, I sat on the porch, talked to Kelly for a minute, that was it. Then I went to bed. I was tired. I woke up better. Still not all the way there, but I do feel better.

I love that I am so blessed to get my education, but I think sometimes the affects from it are a little overwhelming, and I wonder, "why am I going to get my Masters?". My plan is different for my masters, there's no rush.

But if you are overwhelmed, there's another seat on my porch, maybe we could just sit there, and relax together.

—Mark 6:31 Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Today is the official day of Prayer. For me, honestly it's just another day. When I pray, I usually start with a praise, even if its something I am having an issue with.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I love you, and I thank you for another awesome day that You have trusted me with.

Thank you for Phyllis. Please watch over her, Dear Lord, everyday, and especially today and tomorrow while she is in Chicago with her class trip. Lord, You know, I don't let go of her easily. Sometimes I hold on with both hands. Please keep her safe, and give her the opportunity to tell those who don't know You, all about You.

Lord, thank you for the awesome opportunity of being able to go back to school. Thank you for the ability to learn, thank you for providing me a way to financially take care of the bill. Thank you for what I have learned and what I am going to learn. Please help those in my class who need to learn organization to have it, who need to learn - learn it, and help me to do well, in your name, and please put your hand over my mouth when I am about to say something stupid.

Lord, again, I thank you for the most awesomest job. I love it, You had a plan all along (like I know you always do) and please help me learn more about my job and how to make Lear a more successful company, and help me to give encouragement to those who need it.
Thank you for Mitch, and please bless him and Carrie with a new creation to raise up in Your way.
Thank you for Michelle, Lord, I have no idea what i would do without her.
Lord, please place special watch over Kris, as she rounds her last few weeks of pregnancy.
Lord, Thank you for two awesome churches. I love them both, and I am listening to where I should end up. Thank you for the three Pastor J's, Jim, Julie, and Jeremy, and thanks for Mike too. Thank you for calling them to lead with your word. Thank you for the affect they have had on my life with the teaching that you knew I needed to hear. Thank you in advance for the lessons I am still about to learn. Please help my heart to be open to hear what you have to say. Thank you for Pastor Julie, Lord, it is amazing to see her work with the kids, she makes her life available to You, with them, and it is inspiring. Please give her the words, because it's Your words, and Your love that can bring the kids to where they need to me, with You.

Lord, thank you again for my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Whew, what I would do without them. Thank you for Christie, dear Father. Please give her Strength with all she has to do, keep her heart tender Lord, because that is what draws people to You through her. Lord, thank you again for her. And Lord, please keep The whole Moore Family under close watch, they are about to go through change, help them to keep you center, and continue to blessthem.

Lord, please guide Marilynn in Your work with Prison Ministry. Continue to bless her, give her strength and courage to set forth along the path for Your Glory! And thank you for the grace that has been extended to us through Your son.

Lord, thank you for my family, both side Lord. Please guard my words tonight (and every night) Lord, but be true with all I say and do so that I bring honor to You. Please renew my relationship with my dad, Lord.

Lord, Thank you for Sara. Thank you for using her in such amazing ways, for how she touches so many with Your Word, and how she has helped me. Please keep her safe and rested. Please watch over Dean, and daboyz and keep them safe, and no crud, Lord. Please, give them a beautiful day for jay's graduation.

Lord, thanks for Kathy and Jim. Please watch over them, and surround them with Your protection as they travel the next few days. Kathy is truly an inspiration to all those around her.

Lord, thanks for Velma and how she raised such an awesome daughter and friend. Please watch over her and heal her and give her family and doctors strength and wisdom as they deal and treat her illness.

Thank you Lord for the awesome country and leaders of the USA. Please help them to continue to make the decisions that are pleasing to You, give them the knowledge to always live a life that would be pleasing to you, and Lord, thank you for the soldiers that give their lives, please watch and protect over them and bring them home safely.

Thank you for the Jon and Rhonda show. I know it's silly, but their encouragement, their bravery a blessing. Please bless them with good health, and time to spend in your word.

Lord, Please watch over Jon Flowers, please give his doctors the wisdom and knowledge to treat him, and please heal him so he can return to his family and do Your will. Thank you for bringing him and his family into my life. Their encouragement has been such an awesome thing in my life.

Lord, You know we will be talking later.

In Jesus name, I pray.


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Ambulance Chaser

My grandmother was a fire truck chaser. I think she loved to see the heroes rescuing people. It made her proud that her son was a police officer AND a firefighter. Her daughter is a nurse. Even her daughter in law is a nurse. Her other son, my dad, works on computers, but he's in the Coast Guard Auxilary. All of them help others.

I had a dream last night that I was in a meeting with our VP and an ambulance went by (we were having some high level meeting in the street of a neighborhood (I know it's weird). I immediatly, in my dream, started to pray. I do that, when I am awake. I never pass up a moment to pray for someone. I sometimes am walking to a meeting, driving in the car, walking down the street, praying. I always figure you can never pray too much.

I guess my grandma's firetruck chasing has even descended down to me to. I even chase them in my dreams with prayer.

Acts 1:14 They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

It's been quite a day, already. 4 traffic jams, a crazy call, it was a day that Satan could have easily cinched in, and took over. But haha, he can't because my life is owned by Jesus. I can focus on the negative, forget all the blessings, but I choose not to focus on the bad.

Sometimes, we need to count our blessings to realize how great God is.

Job 33:2-4 2 I am about to open my mouth; my words are on the tip of my tongue. 3 My words come from an upright heart; my lips sincerely speak what I know. 4 The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life