Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

End of the day ramblings...

!It's been a long day and apparently because this is my 3rd post of the day.

Halloween was nice. Had about 40 or so kids don't know exactly. Here's my truth about Halloween. I give the big kids more candy than I give the little ones. And I give the little ones Goldfish. I think it's good for bigger kids to go trick or treating. We tell kids not to grow up so fast and then when they decide to be a kid we don't want to spend an extra $3.50 on a bag of candy. Sheesh.
I can't find the power cord to my elliptical. I have no idea where it is... So I've got to find it. I need to do it to relieve some stress. And get into shape. Maybe if I stick to it I can do the half marathon in march/April. Who knows or maybe I can do a 5k or something in late November or December. 
I miss watching tv. Lol I never realized how much I love watching tv. Or at least I never realized how much I would use it as white noise. 
It was a good day and I'm gonna start going to pawn shops tomorrow.  You know what I want to know? Most people know the stuff at pawn shops is stolen... And they buy it anyway... Isn't that kind of like giving people an incentive to steal. (If no one shopped there no one would buy the stolen merchandise and the maybe they wouldn't steal because what would be the point if no one bought it).
That's it for my rambling. 

I hope you had a great Halloween with your family! It was nice to see all the pictures!

Sending love to you!!

Meal Planning

I don’t have a TV so I might as well meal plan… HA! I used to be so good at meal planning and now… well, I suck at it. Mostly because I don’t think about eating too much because when I do, I get puke stomach (I actually have puke stomach all the time).

I am planning out the next two weeks worth of meals because I need to. Phyllis is working a lot and going to school and she needs to have some good food to come home to. So… I’ll go grocery shopping for the majority of the food, and we actually have quite a pantry already stocked so that is good news to the budget!

       1. Italian Sausage, cheese ravioli with homemade Alfredo sauce
       2. White bean chicken chili (with extra to freeze)
       3. Shepherd’s Pie (extra to freeze)
       4. Spaghetti
       5. Chicken/Potatoes/Carrots with cream of something soup in crock pot
       6. Chicken Pot Pie
       7. Beef barley soup (extra to freeze)

It will also be good because I can make lunches so I don’t eat out so much :)

Happy Planning! Hoping you are safe and warm and have full bellies in your house!

Sending Love

The morning after...

You should never make decisions when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). Maybe I shouldn’t blog either but too bad…

It’s the day after the “Big Heist” which I say totally tongue in cheek because we never have had much to steal. Until the robbers decided to steal my peace. I didn’t sleep well, wondering if they were gonna come back. Wondering if I knew them. Probably not, but who knows. And just in case… you’re reading this and it’s you… just bring back my stuff, no questions ask, I’ll hug you, slap you with the spoon, I’ll hug you again, and we can move on.

My house was already in disarray a little and I can’t move anything or put anything back because I have to wait for the detectives. It’s funny when you say to the police officer “those clothes on the floor were there before the robbers”. How embarrassing… whatever.

I keep going to turn on the TV because it’s always on in the background. When I get a new one, should I chain it down?

I wonder what they thought as they were going through my grandma’s jewelry box (that didn’t have much in it) with a big picture that says “Love from the center of who you are” Romans 12:9. Or as they stood under the pictures of my family and a sign that says “our family is blessed by the grace of God”. You know what they probably thought? Nothing. Because I doubt they cared. But little did they know, they have people all over the country… and the world… praying for them. They will be moved.

I’m still not upset about the stuff, though, if you know me, being inconvenienced is the most annoying part to me! I even checked to see if I could hook up my monitor to the cable box to watch my shows…. Nope.

I’m just super tired because I didn’t sleep well last night. I even risked a back ache and slept on the couch. I think I’ll get bells for all the doors and maybe even the windows too. I will be getting plastic for all the windows soon anyway.

I even thought about getting a dog for a minute. Yeah, just a minute. You know I just don’t have time for a dog, nor do I want one or the expense (or the smell! Or the poop). Surely you know I wasn’t thinking clearly at that moment.

I have to go get a new TV… but I am wondering if I should just wait until Thanksgiving since there are always such big sales… but no TV for a month… yikes… I seriously don’t know if I could make it!

I’m trying not to be disheartened by the whole thing. Truthfully, it’s probably NOT someone I know. It’s probably someone who was desperate for money (my stuff = money). I am sure it’s probably an isolated incident. I feel like I need to do something nice for someone. I went out and got bagels for Phyllis this morning at Panera, they are all sliced, so they can be frozen and she can have them whenever she wants. But I feel like the balance can NEVER be on the side of evil. The bible says “do not repay evil with evil but repay evil with good” (Romans 12:21). And I will continue to shine on even in my heart ache (I still am not over everything else that’s going on in my heart).

But this I know. In my struggles, in my brokenness, God is good. When things are hard, or mountains seem impossible to climb, that is when we are at our weakest and God is up to something good, because that isn’t just what He is, it is WHO He is. 2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I just was walking around my house thinking about the person or people who did this. I was thinking about how broken they must be. I started singing the song Remedy. I don’t know why that particular song, it was hard not to cry. It was hard not to pray for them, and pray for myself.

You know, I’m Youth Staff. I was actually thinking on Sunday I don’t even know if I make a difference or if I should continue on… I work with students so they will find Jesus, that they will know the healing of His Love. It is about their eternity, but it is also about their lives. That the healing they find covers their brokenness, the need for alcohol and drugs. That in my hugs and smiles, and tears as I cry with them, they find love. I don’t want someone to be so desperate that they steal my stuff, or anyone elses. That they don’t need to beg for money, because they discover that Jesus is their provider for all things, money, healing, love, courage, whatever is their ache, He is the healer.

He is not only the healer of those who did this to me, He is the healer of me, too. He is the One that can bring love and joy to my heart. I don’t understand it, and find myself thinking that maybe I deserved this… Maybe I somehow deserved it. I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t. whatever. At this point, I just have asked for forgiveness for myself, and each minute (sometimes I have to forgive over and over) for them.

I can only hope that someday, they will find the love of Jesus, and ask for forgiveness as well.

He is the remedy.

Remedy – David Crowder Band

Here we are
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
The beautiful one
Who came like a Son
Here You are

So we lift up our voices
We open our hands
To cling to the love
That we can’t comprehend

Oh, lift up your voices
And lift up your heads
To sing of the love
That has freed us from sin

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who embraced us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Here we are
Here we are
Bandaged and bruised
Awaiting a cure
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
Our beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

So we lift up our voices
And open our hands
Let go of the things
That have kept us from Him

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who forgave us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Oh, I can’t comprehend
I can’t take it all in
Never understand
Such perfect love come

For the broken and beat
For  the wounded and weak
Oh, come fall at His feet

He’s the remedy

He’s the remedy

You are the one
Who has saved us
You are the one
Who forgave us
You are the one who has come
And is coming again
To make it alright
Oh, to make it alright

You’re the remedy

Oh, in us
You’re the remedy

Let us be the remedy
Let us bring the remedy

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

My thoughts...

I get this weird call…

“mom, did you lend out our TV?”
Which isn’t actually a weird question if you know me… I would do something like that…
But the answer was “No”
So she calmly says “Mom, I think we’ve been robbed”

Thankfully I wasn’t far from home at that point so I came home, checked for our passports (I did forget that I shouldn’t have touched anything), called my dad, cracked a few jokes, and then called the police. You can see… I take things seriously in life. Maybe I take the wrong things seriously in life… this coming from the puker!

They didn’t take much…a tv, my roku box, my storage thingie, and my mom’s wedding rings. I was actually surprised they didn’t take other things… but let me tell you… even though the things they stole were just things… I am having a detective come. You know why? Because I have a slight idea of who it might have been… and so… just in case, I’d like to know.

It’s a funny thing… The police officer said “any shady neighbors?” I started laughing… and said “This IS Lincoln Park” lol.

I am more annoyed with the whole no TV thing… but thankfully you can watch anything on TV on your laptop. That of which I am doing… Don’t want to miss my shows…

I planned on coming home and making white bean chicken chili for dinner because… I can.

I am thankful that I don’t care about stuff. I am sad about my mom’s rings, but you know what? They are still just stuff. Maybe I should be more upset and maybe I will be later, but those rings were just a something. A something that of course means something to me, but I have two pins that aren’t worth much to anyone but me that were hers, and for some reason, I’ve cherished them since I was a young girl. They didn’t take my gramma’s rosary (which I don’t use, but it was hers) or the actual jewelry box that belonged to her.

I had long since taken my gold in to be melted… so sorry about that robbers.

Phyllis had her laptop with her thankfully.

I noticed they took the remote that came with the TV. That actually made me laugh.

I feel kind of bad for the people who stole my stuff.
They are sick in some way.

They picked the wrong house. Now, if you were looking for bubbles, glue sticks, homemade pickles, and lots of candy for Halloween, pictures of people I love, well, then my house… perfect house… if you want stuff… you picked the wrong place. I don’t care about stuff.

I find myself thankful that Phyllis wasn’t here. That I wasn’t here.

I find myself thankful that I don’t care about stuff. I am glad that it doesn’t matter to me.

People matter to me.

The fact that there isn’t a room in this house that doesn’t talk about the goodness of God makes me thankful, they say His word, even if it didn’t mean anything to them, it means something to me (and no one can steal that).

I guess I’ll be home in time to hand out Halloween candy tomorrow. I’ll meet a police officer (detective), I’ll work from home, and I’ll figure out how I’m gonna get a new TV.

There are a lot worse things that can happen to you in your life.

This is just a bump in the road.

Thanks for caring, keep praying, and be sure to pray for the crackheads (I assume they are crackheads) who took my stuff, they need it..

My momma is my hero

When I talk about my mom, it's always hard. I almost always cry. It's because I miss something I never had... My dad told me the other day that he was watching me talk and it was like watching my mom. Funny, he told me not to get teary, but he knew that I would. I'm a little blubbery just talking about it.

I wish they made this for mommas!
People look at others as heroes. I wonder what they use as their measuring stick for what makes someone a hero. I look at great parents, great moms, great dads who sacrifice. People who sacrifice in general, those who sacrifice for something greater than themselves.  I think about my momma who gave up her life for me.  I think about my dad who raised me, and even though I can be quite a pill...  he didn't do too bad with what he had to work with. 

I’ve been writing about my mom, which makes me think about her more than usual. It makes the non-memories more painful. Isn’t that weird that memories that you don’t have can make you sad?

In 2007 I walked in the 3-day breast cancer walk in order to find healing from God from the huge pain that I had in my life because of the absence of my mother. But in all that, there was huge glory brought to God because, that after all, is why we were created. To bring Him praise and glory.

When I walked in the walk, I entered a contest to pay for my entry fee. If you wonder, why I walked… this is it.

No one loves you like your momma.  She's my hero.

Why I Walk by Margie Maierle

To try to put my finger on why I am walking in the 3 day breast cancer walk is like trying to nail down jello. There are so many reasons. I walk for those who have passed before us, I walk for those who have survived. I walk for those who held their breath during a breast exam or a mammogram, and who held their breath waiting for the results.

My mom died when I was 16 months old, she was 31. Both of these ages seem too young. I walk in the hope that one day I hope that I can truly celebrate Mother’s Day. I am a mother of a beautiful daughter, but when I think of Mother’s Day, I think of all the projects made for someone else, not my mom. I think of the flowers brought to her grave. I think of all the times when someone would hear that I didn’t have a mom and ask me about it.

I walk because the one thing my mother taught me long after she was gone was how much you can love your children. I walk in honor of my mom who knew love so big that she chose my life over hers. She didn’t have the option of treatment, She was pregnant when she found out she had breast cancer. Well, she had the option, but it would have killed me, because she was pregnant with me. She chose my life, in doing that, she chose to give up her own. She loved me before she knew me, that much. After she died, the doctor told my dad that even if she would have had the treatment, she wouldn’t have survived anyway, that was almost 33 years ago. In honor of her choices, I named my daughter Phyllis, after her. A name that in my mind, only means one thing, love.

For most of my life, I thought I would die young, I thought that before the age of 32, I would too, die. I celebrated my 32nd birthday, not my 30th. I held my breath the entire day that my daughter was the same age as me (to the day) when my mom died. It sounds silly, but to me, it didn’t seem silly. I walk so that Breast cancer will not be a death sentence. I walk so that no other child will know the pain of losing a mother.

I walk in honor of my dad, my cousins, my aunts, uncles, and all of my family who miss her. I walk in honor of my daughter who never had the opportunity to meet someone with that much love. I walk in honor of myself who has daily struggles of missing her mom, and misses that I can’t just pick up a phone and call her.

I walk for hope.

I walk for a mother’s love.

Monday, October 29, 2012


Someday I will get a hurricane named after me.

To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. ~maya Angelou 

I'm fascinated by hurricanes. I'd actually like to study how they are formed and how the weather patterns form... And why and how they down. Interesting to me. And I want one named after me.

Hurricanes are kind of like feelings. They can be wild and out if control. Cause a lot of pain and destruction. The remnants of them can last for years and years . 

But we can't waste our lives waiting for destruction. We have to live our lives knowing there will be good with the bad. Knowing that no matter what happens God will work it out. 

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT)

I always say "it's ok" when things aren't good or someone has hurt me. At that very moment I know things aren't ok but I know eventually they will be.

Sending love 

Love is abound

I started really writing my book yesterday. I really wondered where to begin, I’ve been writing things here and there (less there than here) and not that much. I’ve had a lot of pain lately, and writing the book opens some old wounds that maybe weren’t healed yet. Even if I’ve wanted to write, and people have encouraged me to do so… I haven’t been able to write for the book.

Yesterday I started with the death of my mom because that’s where my story seems to begin. Isn’t it crazy that I feel like my story begins in death? Hmmm… that says a lot about me. No wonder I have such a fascination of death. And it also starts with love, because my momma loved big as she gave up her own life for mine. Did you also know I’m also fascinated with love? 

On Saturday I was reminded about love. My heart was breaking, but I was reminded of the goodness of love. I was reminded of how much my heart had longed for it. Saturday was honestly a tough day. Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are loved by those we trust to love us. We need people to encourage us, even, and maybe especially, in our tears. On those hard days, I choose to be around people who love me. I used to back away thinking I could get through it myself because sometimes there are more tears, and that can be painful, but I KNOW that I really should reach in not back away.

It means that I found myself with people that I consider family, I found myself fighting back tears with friends, but surrounded by great love. I found myself sobbing in church, and then I was so blessed, a friend that I hadn’t talked to in a while contacted me and I was able to feel love there too. That is how God works, He gives us what we need.

My stomach still hurts, I feel like I am going to puke quite often, a lot of times, I actually start coughing like I am going to hurl, but thankfully for the most part – I’m keeping things down. Only had a few isolated incidents. I think I might even start exercising if I can start getting up in the morning. I think it will surely help with my stress management.

Still chugging along trying to live a life of love, I just am not always sure where I belong, but I will love until I figure it out... Love is certainly the path of least resistance.

1 John 3:18-20 MSG 18-20 My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

I love this song... it played on my mp3 today and it made my heart smile.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A good day

It was such a good day! I got to go to the symphony. Maybe it's true what they say that music calms the savage beast. Not that I'm a savage beast however my nerves have seen better days.
But today was a good day. Probably didn't hurt that I no longer have pms. Lol (you read this blog you read at your own risk).

It was the alive Halloween party and certainly a perfect example of the body of Christ coming together to make it a perfect night to bring glory to Jesus. Lots of kids accepted Jesus/returned to Him! Now that's something to celebrate.

There was lots of food, fun , and candy. You know how some parents eat their kids Halloween candy? I did . Two things... Cream soda suckers and bettermade BBQ potato chips. Not too bad of a momma because she didn't like them anyway.

I love love love cream soda suckers. I could and have eaten myself sick on cream soda suckers. I haven't had one in months because... Well I ate myself sick on them one weekend.

It was a great weekend. It was the weekend of our leadership retreat. We had the perfect amount of training, relaxing, swimming, outdoors. The trails were really cool. I love being outside. Even though I have never fashioned myself an outdoors kind of girl I find myself loving the outdoors and enjoying the sun the smells of outdoors. The way the sun warms me from the inside. Jumping into a lake. 
It's a funny thing how our sense of smell or taste and even our sense of touch can transfer us back to a memories. So many times we think about the way something looks and we lock it into our memory bank but sometimes I think our other senses are just as important to our memory banks. 
Sometimes I smell something and I'm transferred to another time or place. Realizing this I have learned to describe the way a memory feels not just the way it looks. It's really helped me to hone my writing skills. 

It was a good day today. One filled with lots of smiles and happiness. It's amazing how good you can feel when you remember you're loved. 

Romans 12:8-12If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.
 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

In pursuit

I remember on our last day of of trip to Haiti someone said that a lot of people go in mission trips and then peace out on God. I remember thinking "wow after all this how could anyone ever say peace out to God"

After the weeks I have had I can see it. I'm trying to focus on all the goodness of the world. I've tried focusing on God and all His blessings. And my blog and my thoughts seem so emo. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm struggling. I refuse to pretend that things are great when They aren't. The thoughts in my head go from one extreme to the other. My brain, my heart, and my stomach are tired. 

I was listening to a song that said "let my life be the truth" and all I could think of was how it all seems like such a big fat disappointment. I try to focus on looking at the beautiful faces of my nephews and i think wow God is awesome. I look at all the goodness in the world and I try to focus on it but when nothing seems like it's going the way I heard God promise. It just isn't. And it sucks. And when you eat and your sick it sucks (I just took a bite of my most favoritest cookies and my stomach hurt and thought there isn't a way I can eat that cookie without puking) between this and that, it just stinks. 
I sang "our God reigns" knowing He does. I know that NOT ONE THING happens without His permission. And i know that He loves me. And I know that I matter to God and I know I was created to bring glory to Him. I know that I was created to praise Him.  In my sadness and disappointment I continue to raise my hands to Him because I love Him even if my life reflects the disappointment that I feel. 
I know that God is good when things are good and when, well, things hurt like heck. I know that so many times when I'm hurting He has sent me some crazy love. In crazy ways. I know God is good.

Let my life be the truth.

Let my life be the truth of His goodness. Let me see it in sacrifice and hurt. Let me reflect His love all days. When there is a target on my back or not. Let my life seek Him in all things in my life. Let my life reflect His Word to others. Let me love those who are hurting like me. Let me trust Him when He says in the Beatitudes:
"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. (Matthew 5:4 MSG)

Let me live me life like the beatitudes. Trusting in God in all circumstances. Everyday as I cling a little more to Him it gets a little easier. I've always wanted my blog to be a place of truth no matter when the times are good or not.  I will continue to pursue Him and this is our journey together. He is holding my hand and my heart.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. "You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. (Matthew 5:0, 0, 3-10 MSG)

Letting go... in time

My bike was blue. It was a hand me down bike. It was a boys bike too, I am not even sure where I got it, I just remember one day it showed up. Before the bike, I had a big wheel. I loved my big wheel, I rode it myself, and I pushed my friends on it (and had fallen many times doing that) and they pushed me so we could go super fast!! I wanted to ride that ‘new bike’ but I didn’t know how.

So I balanced on it for a long time. I’d “ride” it down the street all the while just kind of using my feet on the cement to push myself, maybe sometimes I’d go “crazy and be brave” and put my feet on the pedals. I never had training wheels, so there wasn’t any “adjusting” , it was a get to it kind of adventure, which is probably why I just jump into things, thinking I can do it. At some point my dad would come out and hold the back of the seat and for weeks he would run with me holding the seat while I pedaled. I knew I could trust my dad to hold me until just the right amount of time. My poor dad he ran alongside my bike for I don’t even know how long, that’s what people who love us do. They come alongside us until we can do it on our own. As we get older, and we know Jesus, we recognize that we don’t ever do it all alone, Jesus is with us. At some point, I am not sure when it was, but after week or weeks, my dad let go and I was able to ride my bike. I mean, I still took a few spills here and there (especially when going around the corners) – maybe that’s why my gram always said “take it easy on the curves. But eventually I did it on my own. I was able to be ok on my own.

These are flowers that I dried
that I have received
I am so thankful for people who don’t leave until it’s time because I am not good at saying good-bye. But I can, I just have to do it in my own time. I’ve had so many people leave, in order to “survive” a loss, I have to work through a lot. There are good moments and bad moments. There are laughter and tears (and sometimes puking) but I do it.

It’s like how I save dried flowers. I love love love flowers but they only last a short time, however, if you dry them, you can keep them until you are ready to get rid of them, when the timing is perfect. When I am ready to get rid of them, then I can. It's my time :)

Right now, I’m not ready to let go, I need some time, I’m getting there. But if you’re holding on, please don’t let go… yet.

Friday, October 26, 2012

The love I deserve

We accept the love we think we deserve. 

I could probably write 5 posts about this one sentence an maybe someday I will. But we will start with just one for today (& maybe save one for my book )
I was thinking about this line through the whole rest of the Movie. 

I was thinking about how I think deep down I didn't really deserve to be loved. That somehow my issues (everyone has them) far outweighed anything that I could offer someone.  After dating people who expected me to be perfect all the time I knew that it was something that I couldn't maintain nor, to be honest did I want to. As much as I like to be dressed up and looking fancy I just really do love a big sweatshirt or a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I also really do love a baseball hat :) and finally after opening my heart to it, I believe I'm beautiful. Not in a conceited way but in a way that God created me to be. 

I never have been the romantical type. Lol. 
Until I realized how sweet and freeing it could be. 

So what do I believe I deserve?

I deserve long walks by the water
Hugs and snugs
Hand holding 
Sharing memories 
Sweet pictures to remind us if feelings we have
Childhood memories 
Being defended
And sometimes being told what's best for me (& actually listening)
Long laughs
Serious conversations
The ability to give and receive gifts
Sweet surprises
Long term plans
Texts that say "can't wait" 
Special spots 

I deserve to feel love from both sides 

My thought process is so different now. I will accept the love I deserve because that is what God created for me. 

In it to win it and in it for love .

And I deserve a comment ;)

Choosing love

Please don't hate me

Those were words that seemed funny for me to hear. I love people in my life and hate doesn't/didn't seem possible. At all.
Have you ever held a grudge? 
Do you realize how much pain that causes?

Just think about holding out your arms. Do it. Right now. 

Hold your arm out for a half hour. I'm not asking you to put anything in your hand. Just hold it out. Soon after holding it out, your arm will start to ache. 

Imagine holding anything. Especially a grudge that causes pain not only to the person that you're holding it against but to yourself. Typically when you say the word "against" it's negative. Painful. 

Life is too short for painfulness. Let alone causing it to yourself. 

I think about how many times I've withheld forgiveness and it makes me sick. The time I lost the joy. Ugh. What a bonehead. There are many things we have to even forgive ourselves for and seek the forgiveness of God.

Please don't hate me. 

I won't. I don't have it in me.

Hate breeds sickness. And I'm sick of puking and feeling sick. 

I'm choosing love. 


I'll always be in it to win it.
Because I've always been in it for love.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

What's going on...

I think I haven't had a day that I haven't cried in a week and a half. Maybe a little longer. My stomach is always in knots. I always feel like I'm gonna puke no matter what or even if I eat. 
I'm sure it's just nerves. I'm hoping the voodoo cocktail kicks in soon! 
The good news? When I puke I don't have to count the calories (happened today). 
I thought I was having a good day. Listened to the bible all day today God was knockin it out of the park for me today... But then I got all nerved up. I tried not to be afraid or nervous when I got lost in a super shady part of Detroit but I was like "whoa toto we are not in Kansas anymore" . Thankfully I got to have dinner with my stepmom and that's always good.... But on the way home... I started to cry and then got all worked up and puked (thankfully I had a cup in the car and I was stuck at a train).
I tell you all this to ask you to pray.  Pray that I stop getting nerved up and that God would give me some peace over the millions of things I have going on. Whether I should go to Haiti in December... And tons of other stuff. Peace and clarity.

Good night

I'm still thankful!!


I found myself thankful this morning.

I tend to always fight the urge to be negative, but I know that I have Jesus in me, and so I try really hard to focus on the positive, because truly there is so very much to be thankful for.

I find myself thankful for so much. I was actually pooping being thankful for that too (I know TMI but whatever – it’s horrible when you can’t poop).

I am thankful for a job that has an endless amount of work. If there is no work, there is no job.

I’m thankful to always have to learn something new. I love to learn.

I'm thankful for loving how cute I am in a baseball cap.

I’m thankful for my daughter. Who loves me no matter what. Who is a constant source of joy in my life.

I’m full of thanks for family, that is born of blood, born of Blood, and that comes to us in so many different ways.

I’m thankful for the trials that I have gone through this summer, only to come out stronger and closer to God because I have HAD to cling to Him to survive.

I’m thankful for friends who are grace giving and love me everyday no matter what.

I’m thankful even for the friends who weren’t grace giving, who taught me to be a better friend to others. And I’m thankful for the grace/forgiveness that I was able to give when there was a lot of hurt.

I am thankful for a Devotional that is delivered to my inbox every day, that meets me where I am at any moment of the day. It’s words are delivered right on time.

I’m thankful for my new stove. You would think I’d make something fabulous… no I made a breakfast sandwich… LOL

I’m thankful for friends who teach us life lessons and love us like crazy.

I find myself thankful for love so big that I never knew existed.

I find myself thankful knowing that I am loved and lovable.

I find myself thankful knowing I am beautiful (even without makeup)

I find myself thankful knowing that I am worth it (whatever it is at the time)

I find myself thankful for grace

For forgiveness

I am thankful that I had something wonderful, even for a short time, because it surely beats having a lifetime of nothing special. (from Steel Magnolias)
I am thankful.

For Love.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Just ramblin on and on... And on and on...

I've cut back a lot of stuff in the last week or two. I can tell you that I thought it would be hard but it's not. At all. 

I've watched more tv than I'd care to admit lol. The first 21 episodes of season 1 of revenge and the other 3 or 4 episodes if this season. Is it a good show ? Oh I don't know but it's kept my mind occupied. It's allowed me to rest because I've needed it. 

I went to the voodoo doctor, aka the chiropractor yesterday and got some nutrition to help my mood :) and dealing with stress because Lord knows I've got enough of it... He gave me three things called it the triple cocktail :) so hopefully it will kick in soon like a cheap glass of wine. (Without the hangover) He was shocked about the news I had for him!

Spending time with God but I'm sure He will be annoyed soon because I don't seem to shut up much to listen. But somehow in the during the day (when I'm not talking) He is or when I'm writing He is sealing each word with His. Like a writer always signs their letters with a salutation He signs His letters to me - I love you always. It brings much comfort. 

I got my stove today. What craziness that was! They were supposed to come between 12-4 but they didn't call until 4:30 because someone made a mistake and wrote delivery 4-8. Oh we'll. I got $100 off so that made me happy:) I had to move a meeting that I had scheduled but I guess that is the way it goes.  Thankfully I was able to reschedule. 

In other exciting news... I'm switching my calendar over to my iPhone. My phone is always with me. It might be a slow migration but ill get there eventually. 

I have moments if suffocation lately. When things so overwhelming that I can't figure out is reality (truth) and what is fiction (a lie). I count on God to figure it out. 

I had a great time by the water last night. Because of the location I sat in my car and thought and prayed. It was nice. When I thought about that place from past to present my heart was filled with great, funny, and sweet memories. God never leaves us.
I'm sitting on the porch tonight thinking about the summer. It was such a great summer!!! So glad I listened to God!! Arms wide open!!

I am glad the Tigers are doing well - mostly because the same people who post all that political stuff are now posting about the Tigers. Seriously people - shut up already! 

Proposals... It's my blog... Yes on 2 people. If teachers don't make good money do you really want someone making $15/hour ($30000/year) responsible for teaching our children? Come on. Get a clue. That's as political as I get. 

Oh, I lost 4 lbs last month. That was a nice surprise! I was a little worried after my last couple days. 

Let's see... I think that might be it in my exciting life.

Sending love,

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Living in the Moment

I’ve never been one to live in the moment.

I’ve always looked ahead. I've looked behind.  But rarely have I lived now. 

There are a lot of reasons for that. One being that I always waited for the storm that looked to be brewing on the horizon to come.

A lot of times, that storm? It never came.

A lot of times, I dream of brighter days or things that are worth looking ahead to. And sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesn’t.  I can't tell you how long I wished for a mom, and in God's timing... she was given.  The perfect one for my dad... and a perfect mom for me.

There have been moments lately that I feel like I can’t make it to the next minute. That the pain will surely over take me, that the pain will seem so great that I just might die. In those moments, I don’t even look to the next half hour, I turn, and I pray for peace. In that moment. In that VERY moment. When I get through one minute, or sometimes 30 seconds, I know I can go on.

I remember Matthew 6:35 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

I’ve also learned to enjoy the moments in life that are good. In holding my nephews as they ate their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (or maybe they didn’t, but they snugged me instead of eating), in watching them share their ice cream with their baby brother.

I think about the past and while in many times it hold heartache, I also think of moments I know there was love abound. Of the memories by the water or the moments of anticipation that came true. I have a favorite spot I like to go to that brings great memories. I am at peace there.  I think I'll be heading there tonight to pray.

Lynne Cox
When I was a kid, there was a swimmer, Lynne Cox who swam across the Detroit River, I don’t remember how old I was, but I do remember getting to get off school and watch her. It was a big deal. Being that I had been on the water so many times, I don’t think it seemed like a big deal to me, it didn’t seem that far across… but looking back now, I think “Holy Moly”. When she swam, she didn’t look ahead, she didn’t look behind, she swam, in that moment. One stroke at a time. It’s funny how something that didn’t seem to be a big deal to me all those years ago is on my heart now. My blog used to be called “a lesson in everything”, and I guess that is true. I have to remember to just be in the moment, don’t look forward, don’t look back, I’ll make it to the other side.

I have to remember that where I am, God is going to be there, He is going to work in and through me, in my peace, and my pain, and my joy. He’s there. In the thick of it all. I'm learning to live in the present. To live right now.  Whatever it is, the good, the bad, the beautiful, right now.

So much of my life is tied up in music, because even though I love to write, there are moments that I just don’t have the words, but God gave someone else the words when my heart just didn’t have them.

I was listening to “the Glory of it all” today by David Crowder. I know that my music is set to Random, so any song can just come up, but sometimes I feel like God picks them for me.  The song reminds me God is here now, He is there are the end, and He is in middle of it. I will find His love in it all.

Gal 5:13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love

this seems like a very scattered post...  just like me these days...

David Crowder – The Glory of It all.

At the start
he was there, he was there
In the end,
he’ll be there, he’ll be there

And After all our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh the Glory of it all is:

he came here
For the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all
for the glory of it all

All is lost
find him there, find him there
After night
Dawn is there, Dawn is there

After all falls apart
he repairs he repairs

Oh the Glory of it all is:
he came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
for the glory of it all

oh he is here
for redemption from the fall
that we may live
for the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all
the glory of it all
oh the glory of it all

After night
comes the light
dawn is here
dawn is here

Monday, October 22, 2012

grace that covers me

I was sitting on my porch today, speaking with a good friend at peace. 

There has always been something about that porch.  And great friends. 

I was sitting there and I looked over to my right at the sky. I never really realized how many different shades of white there could be. I thought about God's amazing grace. How it covers us and how as we are covered by it we extend it to others.

Like sharing a blanket on a cold winter day. Once we've experienced the warmth that comes from the blanket of grace we cannot help but share it.

I sat on my porch after hanging up with my friend and started singing "rhythm of grace" by Hillsong united. 

I'm caught in the rhythms of grace
They overcome all of my ways
Realigning each step everyday
To live for Your glory

Lately over and over God keeps telling me how much He loves me. Today when I blogged earlier He spoke over and over His love letter to me, the bible. It was amazing to have Him speak it to me. It's written on my heart but He spoke it to me, whispered it to me sweetly.

The depths of His grace blows me away. May I always be caught up in it, and may I always share it. 

Rhythm of Grace - Hillsong United
Verse 1
My life is a light for Your cause
My will laid aside for Your call
And reserved are the depths of my heart
Only for You
Verse 2
I'm caught in the rhythms of grace
They overcome all of my ways
Realigning each step everyday
To live for Your glory
Chorus 1
There's none beside You God
There's none beside You God
Verse 3
You're there in the dark of the night
While holding the sun and it's light
Through the triumph and trials alike
There's no-one beside You
Verse 4
Your voice called the stars by their name
'Cause You whispered them all to their place
To testify to Your wonder and praise
Both now and forever
Chorus 2
There's none beside You God
There's none beside You God
I love my life to shine Your light
'Cause there's none beside You God
No eye has seen
No ear has heard
The depths of Your love, Lord
No mind can fathom
The love You deserve
How great You are