I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later. Someone was going to ask me “what have you been up to?” Resting.And then a weird awkward silence.
I think they didn’t even know what to say to me.
And then I didn’t know what to say… so I said “I just got back from Africa” and then it seemed to be less awkward.
I’m happy to report that it wasn’t me who seemed to be uncomfortable with the answer. I am loving my peaceful time. Even though it’s not something that anyone expects from me.
I have been thinking about all the reasons I never rested before. Two main reasons.
Fear and Pride.
Ouch.Who just hit me with a baseball bat?
I was afraid that if I didn’t do things, whether ministry or for others, maybe people wouldn’t like me. Maybe they like me because of what I do. I think of how many times someone said to me “you’re awesome” after I did something for them. I actually always hated it. Because sometimes I served within my gifts, but sometimes, I just wanted to be liked. That is plain awful. I do because of who I am. The gifts God has given me, but I “did” at a price.And why? Because all my life, someone felt sorry for me. Didn’t have a mom. Then I was a single mom. I hated it, I wanted to be more than those things, but if I was going to be a single mom, I was going to be the best single mom, I was going to rise above my circumstances. At any price. And I have paid a price over the years.
I think that I’m not the only one who is fearful. Sometimes people are afraid they won’t do a good job or maybe they aren’t doing what God asked them to do or maybe they are doing something God doesn’t want them to do it. It’s a crazy circle, right? Or how about we have to make a decision, and it’s a big one. But no matter the decision, something is going to change, and sometimes we just like knowing. But that’s not Trusting God. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.So as I find myself in this weird season, I am loving it. I am learning and hearing over and over again, that yes, I have gifts to give, but the best gift I have is my heart. God made it perfectly. All I have to do is live in that love. No fear. I heard a song today that said we need to love like we never had a broken heart. And that’s how I intend to love, like I have nothing to lose. Because not loving, that’s the biggest loss I could ever have.
1 Cor 13:1-3
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.