Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Pray don't worry

There is something, something that lies deep within you when your parent dies of cancer.  Especially if your parent dies at a young age.  Will it happen to me?  I have always wondered that.  It’s a horrible thing to have lurking in your heart.  It brings fear and anxiousness. 

Today I go for a mammogram, it’s just routine, but nonetheless, I will hold my breath waiting for the results.

Just recently, when having a super emotional day, I asked God what I did to ever deserve to lose my mom.  Needless to say, I was having a bad day, and I was sad about wishing I had a momma to talk to.  Years ago, I participcated in the 3day walk.  If you knew me then, you’ll remember, just as I did after some time spent with God, I worked on this.  I worked on bringing glory to God for the decisions He makes.  You might also remember that I sprained my ankle (twice) and couldn’t finish past the first day because I couldn’t get my foot back in my shoe.  It was a journey.  It was so much more than the 3day.  It was heartache, and healing, it was sadness and joy.  It was crazy.  So many people supported me. 

I know that whatever the results, there is a reason (though I can’t help but hope that there is no lumps, no cancer).  I can’t wait to get this over with!  LOL

I think all this emotion comes from deep within because even though I know I shouldn’t, I am a little worried.  But I learned a long time ago, you either pray or you worry, you can’t do both.  So today I woke up with praises for the King of Kings, in joy and thankfulness, and I will continue to pray all day. 

Psalm 100
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
    Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his[a];
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Monday, November 28, 2016

a little bit of my heart

Sometimes people call me religious. What does that mean? Does it mean I'm filled with religion? That doesn't sound all that great to be honest. When I think of religion I think of hypocrisy. "Do as I say not as I do" and maybe I am, but I hope not.  I hope that people know I just want to love them, to really love them, to cry with them, to encourage them, to feed them, to celebrate with them, to really love them, all of their days.

I don't think of myself as religious, I just really really love God. I do. And the truth is I'd rather be single all my days and live this love that He's given me than be married to the "perfect" guy (though I hope to marry a man after God's own heart).

I know it's weird that I serve at soup kitchens and it brings me more joy than $1M worth of retail therapy because serving is just an outward pouring out of what He's poured into me.

I read today the song of Mary.
“And Mary said, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant.
For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed;
for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.
And his mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate;
he has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, as he spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his offspring forever."”

Luke 1:46-55 ESV

So good isn't it? God did not bless me with a beautiful singing voice (though I'm always singing - mostly in my head) but I was given the gift of cooking/baking so that's my song, my praise to Him. I may not be much, but I'll give Him all I am.

This song speaks so much of my heart.

Yesterday we studied psalm 100 in church. And it reminded me of all that He is, it reminded me that I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful to look back and see all that He has done, to sit in His presence and know that He is, and to look ahead, to know I can trust Him with my future.

“Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”
Psalms 100:1-5 ESV

He is faithful.

Sunday, November 20, 2016


I had two parents, and I know I wasn't a "mistake"... but I've watched plenty of movies but I have to say that there are very few lines in a movie resonate more than these lines from the movie Creed

I gotta prove it

Prove what?

Prove I'm not a mistake 

I know that some my family looks at me and sees a million things wrong with me, they think nothing of walking away from me. I feel like they feel like I am a mistake, I've felt that way most of my life, and so it makes me think I was a mistake. Like somehow God got it wrong with me. 

I think of a few sayings... "how people treat you says more about them then it does about you."

But the truth is that it hurts. I try really hard to not let it burden my heart but the truth is that it does. When you love someone and they hurt you, it... hurts.

I know I'm not perfect that is for sure but I know that every day I really try to live love . I don't do it perfectly everyday but I strive to be more like Jesus everyday. I cling to Him in these days, in these feelings, I read His word, I pray, I listen as He speaks to my heart. 

I am not a mistake. Somewhere these is a root that knows, I am not a mistake and I have nothing to prove 

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Getting it together

The truth is that the world is crazy. People are being crazy. I can barely stand it.  I cooked for people I love. You know the movie "eat pray love" but for me it's cook pray love.

I've wanted to a say things  to people being mean and childish. But none of it came from a place of peace or humility. Shaming is not Christlike.

I decided that I would really evaluate my own life thoughts and words.

If I believe that young girls should be raised to be courAgeous and brave then I better speak that to them and more importantly I better walk it out. If I think we should stand up for injustice I better do more than stand.

Im not working on being better, I'm working on peace, joy, and thankfulness.

Monday, November 07, 2016

Joyful heart

Saturday I sat outside in the parking lot and was talking to my dear friend and I said that I was afraid to say it but life seems really great right now. I love my home, I love my job, I feel full of joy, I love and am loved by so many.

Life of course is not perfect. There are things that are overwhelmingly hard. 2016 seems to be a rough year for a lot of people and I am no exception. There have been hard days. Sad days, days I've said "what the heck God?". And in those hard times it made me seek God more. It's not always been like that but it is now. When I'm having a hard time, I ask for Him to speak to me, send me someone who loves Him for comfort, or to bring a scripture to mind.

In church yesterday the pastor talked about Doubting Thomas. How'd you like to be that guy? Well... sometimes my flesh wonders "how long will this joy last?"  The truth is... as long as I allow it to. This joy I have, it comes from God. It's not fake, it comes from Truth.  It comes from being thankful, because even in those hard times I worked hard at being grateful even if I was disheartened. I didn't always seem joyful or feel it, but I worked at it. 

I'm so thankful for 2016, for its heartache, it's hurt, it's joy, it's love. 

I was made for such a time as this.

Next adventures are coming, and they won't always be easy but growing will be good and make me more like Him!

Applied for a short term mission trip to Uganda. We will see what God has in store :) 

Happy Monday! Be joyful and keep growing! 

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

The Grace and Strength

I see the grace of God all over my life.  To be honest, I’m often completely overwhelmed by it.    Sometimes I can’t breathe and I cry.  It’s amazing, Grace.

If you met my daughter after high school you might not even realize that she has arthritis.  Maybe you never knew her when she could barely walk, when she was in a wheelchair.  When I pushed a nine year old in a stroller and people would stare and not even smile.  She’d say “what do I do when they stare?” and I’d give her the advice to stick her tongue out at them because they’d stop.  I would dare them to say something to me. 
Christmas 1997, the year of diagnosis

Last night I watched the hard work, the perseverance of my daughter from a frail young girl to the strength of a woman.  I saw all the fight, and the crying, the hard work, I saw it be worth it.  I remember moments of barely holding on, I remember the days of prayers and friends carrying me when I couldn’t go on.  I remember.  We never gave up.  It's been almost 19 years since the day of diagnosis.

I love the saying “Strong women, may we be one, may raise them”.  But I know that the strength I have comes from when I surrender at my weakest moments, to God who carries me.

God’s grace is not lost of me.

Not everyone makes it to this moment, no matter how hard they work.  And not everyone sees the grace. 

Last night at Aerial
We don’t deserve it.  Sure we worked hard, but we don’t.  We deserve a life in hell, of consequences from our actions, and yet, we live a very blessed life.  We are surrounded by people who love us, even when we have been unloveable.  We live more than comfortably and we really do not want for anything. 

We live strong lives free from Rheumatoid Arthritis, the hell that it is. We look at it in the shadows of our darkest valleys.

We live in Grace. 

I can’t help but be overwhelmed.

It is amazing grace.