Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Future Decided

The thought of starting over with new babies is quite scary for me, never having the opportunity of starting over with new babies is even more scarier.

I always imagined myself with 6 kids. I don’t know why 6, maybe because I was an only child and longed to have a big family. Not sure. I thought I would find that man of my dreams and settle down, and have babies, and have the opportunity to stay home and wipe noses, go on field trips, etc. I didn’t necessarily have to birth all those babies myself, even now, I wouldn’t mind adopting a child who was a little older that needed a family.

We watch Jon & Kate plus 8 all the time, and sometimes I think “no way I could have the patience for all those kids, Sara would have to lock me up” and sometimes I think “man, look at those little blessings, I wish I could have more”.

I’m not sure what God has in store for me. Not always sure what I want… Good thing God knows what I need…

Psalms 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

My Future Decided - United
Verse 1
You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that that I am, I am yours

Verse 2
You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Friday, May 30, 2008

In the midst of getting a new engine, people are have given the advice “just get a new car”. You see, I do not want a payment for the next…. Forever. I bought this car with the intentions of keeping it for a LONG time. My intentions were to have an extra car for Phyllis when she drives for school/work. Not that it will be her car, but there will be one for her to drive, so she can save for her own.

A new engine, that sounds like a lot. It is a lot. However, it’s cheaper than a new car. I like my car, sure, it’s not fancy, but I like it. I’m not about fancy, I’m about practical. I’m about living within, maybe even below, my means. I’m ok with looking like a nerd, I’m ok with being cheap about some things so I can have other things that are great opportunities.

I spent most of the night praising and praying because I couldn't sleep. It's good to tell God how much we are thankful for, and it felt good to go to Him with my needs and the needs of others.

I’m stressed. But I know I am blessed. I know that through this all, I have a Savior that is much bigger than my car problems, He’s bigger then any illness we or our loved ones can have. He is much much bigger than us. And that’s where I’ll be.

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?”- Psalm 56:4

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Thank You Jesus

It's hard to say thank You Jesus when your car died. I am telling you. But sometimes you have to just find the good or you will go insane.

I was on my way to lunch today, I hardly ever go out, but for some reason, I just had to have Zoup (needless to say I never made it). So I was off, all of a sudden my car started acting wierd, and so... long story short, I need a new engine.

But let me tell you this, I drive through some pretty shady parts on my way to work. I mean, bad. And so... I am thankful, 1) I was in a safe place 2) my car did not die in the middle of Telegraph 3) I wasn't hurt.

I am not thrilled about the thought of a car payment again especially since I just finally was getting ahead. But THANK YOU JESUS that I'm safe.

Psalm 107:29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Update on the gardening

I worked outside for a couple hours, I was dirty!! It was great and gross at the same time. I transplanted some annuals I have, got the ground ready for some new seeds I am going to plant (both annual and perrenials). I went and bought the first flat of vegetables (and cantaloupe). I am wondering how the cantaloupe will come out, I will let you know. Spinach, hot peppers, green peppers, cantaloupe, cucumbers, chives, and celery. Next weekend, I am going to have 3 yards of dirt delivered and while the kids are at Cedar Point, I will be moving dirt. Suonds thrilling, doesn’t it?! But to tell you the truth, I am looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to the transformation of my yard, from seeds to blooming flowers, from small seedlings to great vegetables, watering and weeding. I can’t wait to reap what I will be sowing.

I can’t wait to have an abundance of vegetables that I can share. I love fresh vegetables, I love the intense flavor they have, there’s really nothing like popping grape tomatoes right off the vein or a toasted tomato sandwich, or yummy-no-wax cucumbers!! MMMM…. I can already taste it!

While being outside, I spent a lot of time in prayer, thinking about my friends and family, about the kids at live and fuel. About the sick and the healthy. It was really relaxing to see it all come together, it was exciting to just be outside in the sunshine. I forgot how much I missed it.

I still have dirt under my nails :)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Lawn Care

Well, it’s one of those days, the kind that you don’t eat breakfast until lunch time. Yes that’s right… I think they call it brunch, I call it lazy… But we did have homemade waffles and bacon. Bacon is a sacrifice because the whole house smells like bacon for days.

You can check out my new pictures on my 1000 memories page. There is some good stuff, and if you look at the pics of my lawn… some not so good stuff. Admittedly, I have abused and neglected my lawn for about two years and it shows. Just like my outsides, I’ve pretty much abused and neglected that too. It’s funny because eventually everything around you matches how you feel inside. Not that I’ve been neglected and abused but not necessarily joyous aobut everything, worrying about a lot of things that I shouldn’t. It’s time to really take care of home. Also, not htat I don’t take care of home but sometimes I spend a lot of time outside the home which means that I have to take short cuts in other places. Maybe not everyone else is concerned about taking care of their home front, but I am. It’s time to buckle down, it’s time to stop living large, and its time to take care of home.

I’ve been planning my garden, thinking about how I am going to work on the garden, the lawn. I’ve also been thinking aobut how I am going to prepare the garden of my heart, how I am going to spend time in the Word, loving the kids, doing things for me and for them. Balance.

There is something most people don’t know… if you want a great lawn, the key is to have strong grass. Strong roots so that weeds can’t penetrate in the lawn. Yes, it’s not really about weed killer. And isn’t that really true about our lives, if we want a healthy life, it means having strong roots. Having strong roots in your lawn and in your heart takes preparation. It takes purposefulness. It means watering, cultivating, and loving.

2 Tim 2:21 If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


so... I have this area next to my house (the non-driveway side) that I really don't plant many flowers in (mostly because I can't see it)... how redneck would it be if I planted a few veggies and spices (parsley, basil, chives, cilantro) over there?

So what do you think?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Enjoying a long weekend...

1. Going to the fruit market
2. Cleaning house
3. Cleaning out the flower beds
4. Making the new garden beds
5. Planting veggies (we reap what we sow)
6. Alive BBQ
7. Donation drop off
8. Went to the Tiger Game & Fireworks yesterday
9. Keeping hydrated!
10. Chillaxing

I'm so glad to have an extra day!!

2 Corin 9:6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

Friday, May 23, 2008


I find myself very stressed these last few weeks, I've been trying to be quiet and relax, and not worry, and so I haven't written because I like to (believe it or not!) be positive, so I've kept quiet.

I find myself getting stressed out about money. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes it's just so overwhelming. Maybe you've always had a little extra, maybe you've struggled too. I feel like just when I think I am about to get ahead...

First it's a surgery that is scheduled, medical costs (I have to pay them up front, then submit my receipts in after the surgery) that I thought were going to be covered with my economic stimulus check (plus money I already had set aside), only to find out it's coming one month too late for the surgery. It will be taken care of.

Rising cost of fuel. For crying out loud! while I don't understand the politics of politics, something should be able to be done. When I bought my car I could fill it for $15.00 (31 mpg), now it's $40!! But everything is affected. Groceries have to be shipped somehow. Someone will pay for that shipping, oh, that's us. I'm a pretty wise shopper, I know how much things cost... A box of noodles went from $.79 to $1.19 in 6 months, and I don't think it's done going up.

In all this, there are somethings I can do. Inspired by Mrs. Mac, I will be planting a garden this summer so that will help, did you know you can freeze tomatoes and use them like canned tomatoes in the winter? I bet they have less sodium and better taste in winter :)

I can change my lightbulbs to the low energy kind. I can drive less, and spend more time at home (I need to do that anyway). There are things I can do.

There really isn't any need to stress, it's not like I am in the poor house (but I remember what it was like to eat mac&cheese with corn for a week) but I am by no means rolling in the dough, but I think it's responsible to be wise with our portion that God has entrusted us with. God will provide, He has from the beginning of time, and I don't believe that will ever change.

Matthew 6:25-30 25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Monday, May 19, 2008

love and grace to you!!
2 Thes 2:16
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope,

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I am

ever hear that song by Reba McEntire, I'm a survivor? I really relate to that song. Who I am is who I want to be... I'm a survivor. Most days, outside of my new hair color, i like who I am. Sure, I can point out the things that stink about me, but I really do like who I am.

I didn't get here on some beautiful path, my road was bumpy, and it was cold, and dark, but like all dark paths, mine has come into Light. By healing, by surrender, and by Love.

Who I am is who I want to be. A child of God.

Gal 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

I believe

I know I've posted this song before, but it's worth repeating.

Friday, May 16, 2008


I often wonder where I belong, and most of my life I haven't had much direction, outside of survival, but the last few years, just allowing myself to let God take me where I need to be... I couldn't ask for much more.

Psalm 17:5 5 My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not slipped.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day (REALLY!)

It’s the end of Mother’s Day. The first Mother’s Day that I didn’t cry in sadness over the loss of my mother. It was a good day, not a very exciting day, we went to church, like every other Sunday, today was baby dedication day. That is always exciting.

Thinking about my own mother, she gave me to God right from the beginning, even if it wasn’t on the stage of a church. I am quite sure she probably prayed over me every day she was alive.

I stood in the back of Alive doing words, worshipping from the back. Healer. That’s what God is, He is a healer, I stood in the back thinking about the many hurts He has healed. I think about that great pain I carried around for years, not because I wanted to carry it around but that I didn’t really know how to put it down. It’s easy to let go of the little things, but deep pain, it’s hard to let go of. And it was one step at a time (literally), a tear, a walk, each time of raising my hands in the air to put my hurt up to God and to praise Him for all He has done.

I honestly didn’t know how today was going to go. I didn’t know if it was going to be one of those things you think you have given up, but you really haven’t. But I really was healed. From every hurt, every scar, cleaned, washed away but the trust I put in Jesus.

Thank You Jesus for healing me. Thank You for saving me. Thank You for a Happy Mother's Day!!

Psalm 30:2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me

Found love beyond all reason
You gave your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever
Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life
Found all I need
You’re all I need

The time has come
To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You

Today today it’s all or nothing
All the way
The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing
To give You praise
In everything I do
Yeah all the praise goes out to You

All we are is Yours
And all we’re living for
Is all You are
Is all that You are Lord

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Weekend Shenanagans!

1. Clean upstairs
2. Clean basement
3. Go to the Card's
4. Go to Roma's
5. Clean main floor
6. Make enchiladas
7. Laundry
8. Toledo Zoo if it's nice (Sunday)
9. Church
10. Prepare for next week!

Psalm 33:10 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Til I see You - Hillsong United

This song has been resonating in my heart.

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name


I’m not very romantical. I know that’s not really a word, but I kind of like it… so too bad.

I’m not the kind of person who loves red roses, while I think they are beautiful, to cut them off, have them wilt within days of receiving them, is a waste. I’d rather have a rose bush, the thought is there, and the gift goes on and on. But I do love daisies. They are just simple and beautiful and fresh.

I don’t like expensive jewelry and am not impressed by such gifts, though, please make a note, I want one big fat diamond ring when I get married, they kind that will build the muscles in my arm. I don’t believe in upgrading or getting a new one for anniversaries, so I want a big fat diamond to start out with. I’ll probably end up with a simple band. HA!

I don’t really want sweet love poems; I’d rather my love read my scripture. I don’t need meals in the finest restaurants with candlelight; I like Roma’s (Downtown) or Panera, or even 6 stars. Nothing romantic, a nice meal, a good company, that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Practicality, even in love. Some may say love isn’t practical… Whatever.

Whatever the gesture, let it be done in love. Romance seems to be fleeting. Love is forever, worked on, and grown between two people who know it’s worth the effort. It’s about bringing out the best in each other, and giving allowances when it’s not the best.

Please understand, because I am not romantical doesn’t mean I am not loving. A sweet smile, a thoughtful moment, that’s all I need. And I don’t even need a big fat diamond as long as the heart that comes with it is loving too.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
- Thoreau

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Actions vs words

I have been struggling with something for quite some time, actually most of my life. Actions that don’t match words.

How can you say you love me but not show it? How can you say that you love me but never call or email to see how I’m doing?

You see, I have to be honest I love words, I love to read them, to write them, to speak them (sometimes this one a little too much). Katie told me that you speak about 120 words a minute but we think something like 1300-1500 words a minute. I love words, they are a great way to express ourselves. But if your actions don’t match your words… they mean nothing.

I love that sometimes there are words to communicate to someone how you feel about them, I also love that sometimes the way we feel about someone can only be expressed via a hug, or a tear, or an action.

I recently have been struggling with some deep hurt. words don’t match actions. And because of that, I don’t have much to say. I can actually feel myself closing up around such people. I will probably never trust them again.

If you look at what Jesus did, and how God continues to move in our lives, there are no words, the actions say it all.

1 John 3:18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

Monday, May 05, 2008

2 "quick dinners"

I have to say that I am the queen of making dinner work with what I have in the fridge/cupboard with minimal extra's bought at the grocery store. Maybe not the queen, but I make it work.

I saw a recipe for some shredded mexican chicken on the web, have no idea the exact recipe but I improvised... and it was yummy...

I put 6 large chicken breasts, some fresh salsa, and a can of diced tomatoes, one taco packet in the crock put and cooked it all day.

Came home to all the taco fixin's... that night's dinner, chicken soft tacos... and they were GOOD!!

Had about 3 cups of leftover shredded chicken... mmm chicken enchiladas...

3 cups cooked, shredded chicken
2 pkg lowfat cream cheese
2 small zucchini
1 med purple onion (use any kind you like, I had a purple one)
2 cloves garlic
~1 tsp ground cumin
Tortillas of your choice
1 can enchilada sauce
~1 - 1 1/2 cups monterrey jack shredded cheese (use any kind you like)

saute zucchini & onions, add garlic until onions and zucchini are tender. Add chicken, cream cheese, cumin, warm through until cream cheese is melted and well combined.

Put filling in tortillas, place in pan, "flat side up". cover with sauce, top with cheese. Cook ~30 minutes at 350.

I'm sure this could be made the night before and heated through the next day.

Being a mom

I cannot tell you how much I enjoy being a mom. It’s not easy but it’s the gift that keeps on giving. The gift of life. The gift that after a long hard day, a smile from the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen.

While I understand that every mom thinks her child is the greatest, I really think mine is great. Sure, she’s got a mouth on her, and an attitude that sometimes is beyond all understanding, and I have NO idea where she got either of those two traits, she really is a great kid. And my favorite thing about her? She loves Jesus.

Sometimes I sit back and just watch, when she doesn’t know I am. She just joined the dance team at Alive. Yesterday she and Lexi were practicing, and I really thought my heart was going to explode with joy. I wonder if that’s possible.

I look at her sometimes and think, wow, she really just is beautiful, I wish she saw more of that in herself.

And she’s smart and even wise sometimes. Though she does have the brain of a teenager and can be a little flighty… A few weeks back she said “mom, just do what makes YOU happy” which was funny to come from her, because most teenagers don’t think about anyone but themselves.

We’re spending at least part of the day at the zoo. We are going to do “the church thing” and then head down to the Toledo Zoo for a couple hours, we’ll grab some grub on the way home and off to Alive. She was supposed to perform but they changed the date. What a gift that would have been to see her perform on Mother’s Day, but it’s postponed for one more week which is great because that means one more week of celebrating her, because after all, without her, I wouldn’t be a mother.

John 16:21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.

Saturday, May 03, 2008


My friend was buried today. And while I don’t want to believe it, I think his last days on earth were his last days of life. I was thinking about Arlene, and while we prayed for her to stay with us, we also prayed for her to live on, and our prayers were answered. She will live on.

I ran into someone at the funeral “R”, I know her but I would not call us friends, she ran in the same circles as my friend. “he was a super guy” and for those who ran with him, that’s what they thought, they thought he had it all, but if you really took the time, you knew that he was sad inside, he was lonely, and he used drinking and women to fill his heart. For some reason, that always makes me love people more. I want them to see that love comes from Jesus, and that no one night stand or bottle will fill your heart. It makes me remember that I was like that too, and how in what seemed to be one moment, my heart was full and I didn’t need others to fill my heart. I feel like maybe somehow I could have tried harder to get him to Jesus, what if I would have invited him more to Metro, I used to tell him “check it out, you’re boys will love it”, what if I would have prayed more… what if…

I sat in the church, filled with rituals, a few times I smiled to myself thinking “this stuff never leaves you”, I wanted to scream “sprinkling water on baby’s heads do not get them to heaven anymore than standing in the rain praying does”. I prayed for peace for his family, I prayed that God would call until they answered, that lives would be changed, that hearts would be filled, that lives would not end on this earth, but live/love on and on.

John 3:15 that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.

Friday, May 02, 2008

things I've learned

I feel like in the last couple days, a lot of things have become a lot more clearer...
If I’ve learned one lesson, I’ve learned that you can’t focus on the things you can’t change. Now, you can kick the crap out of the guy that didn’t finish your contracting work, but you can’t really change someone’s perception, but you can change your outlook on how you feel about the whole situation. Just hand it all over to God because focusing on things we can’t change will make us dizzy, and a little crazy.

I’ve learned in the last six months, you can’t change people, but you can remove yourself from their lives. It’s easier to come right out and say “I’m glad you were in my life for that season (winter), but this is a different season (spring), and you, like my winter coat, don’t fit into this season.

I’ve learned that communicating clear expectations is something that can change your life in a more positive direction. I’m still working on it. Clearly communicate expectations and have an open discussion just in case their expectations were different than yours.

I’ve learned that people will be in your lives, and you can love them, but not like them so much. They will hurt you, but if you don’t forgive, it only brings more heartache to your life. And as you lay it at the feet of Jesus, don’t back up and walk away slowly, waiting to pick it back up again. Turn around, walk swiftly and peacefully away from the situation, God’s back is stronger than yours, He can carry the weight, and He’s smarter than you, so He doesn’t need you to figure it out.

And because of the very recent passing of a friend, and wondering if he’s saved or not. I’ve learned to keep on inviting people to church, God is in their lives, and He makes His presence known, but somehow people seem to find Him in “His house”, where they can eat at His table until they invite Him to theirs. I tell the kids at Alive and Fuel, don’t quit asking, and I promise, I won’t either. And in that process, I’ll just keep loving.

And maybe this doesn’t make complete sense to you, but it makes complete sense to me (which is kind of scary). God has promised to never leave me, nor forsake me. He’s always always there. And He’s not complete in doing a great work in me, I’ve just got to get out of my own way, and let Him.

Phil 1:6 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.