Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Today's work out

I'm so very sorry if you are super sick of reading about my weightloss journey, but its my blog so too bad lol

Today it was so cool because Melissa lead us off in prayer and she said 'this is our worship to You God' so how can you not go all out, right?

I was plugging along, jogging, doing whatever they asked, but every time they asked for situps, I did more they asked for 20, I did 30, they asked for 40, I did 70. I like crunches (and yes, I am fully aware that I am very odd) what can I say!

But we were doing some things, and I was pushing myself, but I always end up in the middle of the pack. And I'm so afraid they are going to think I'm not trying, but I AM!! And so I was kind of feeling discouraged, because I like to do well, I am wired that way, and Joel (one of the trainers came up and said something encouraging - and I told him there was a skinny chic trying to get out, and he said 'I can't wait to meet her' and I thought to myself, I can't wait to introduce the skinny chic to the Jesus loving chic!

I never made good decisions when I was thin. Ok. That's the way it is. Most people would never know. And most people will never know. And I've been thin more than once, God had a lot of skeltons to clean out of my closet. But you know, I never really liked myself. I didn't. I kept trying to find all this value in things that don't matter.

And I'm learning in this journey the things that do matter, the things that make me a Proverbs 31 woman. I'm learning to love myself, not just loving others.

I'm so excited for that skinny person to breakout and set the world on fire with Love.

“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.”- Psalm 138:8

Random Thought Tuesday

I’ve been working out, what seems a lot of cardio to me, maybe because I am so out of shape, but I really do feel good, and quite accomplished for still going at it, and conquering some demons. But this morning, I put on my pants, no noticeable change. You know we want these things, it’s been a lot of working out, and I want to see some results. Its annoyng I tell you, but I am not giving up!!! My bootsie hurts from that butt machine. Yikes!

I think I’ve fallen in love with protein shakes. I know its not ice cream but they taste yummy and they are good for me! Yesterday after my walk, I made Favot and me vanilla, peach, banana, blueberry (however, he sat on the couch and watched – and napped The Book of Eli) after my fast paced walk with my peanut head. It was yummy, I have a bunch of fresh strawberries that I cut up and froze so that will be yummy!

Today is our Blue Team work out. Can’t wait! My goal is to get up that stupid hill doing the crab crawl without my butt hitting the ground! That is very difficult for me, but I will get it!

Loving ‘Joy Will Come’ by Desperation Band today.

Joy will come in the morning
Riding on the wings of the dawn
I know
Joy will come after mourning
As surely as You are God

Joy will come believe
Joy will come joy will come

Joy will come like the harvest
Reaping for tears that we sow
I know
Joy will run to the farthest place
Surely as You are God
What is this hope I feel
It's helping
What is this peace beyond
You fix the broken heart
There's healing in Your wings
What is this whisper small
I'm hearing
So far above it all
It's speaking
You're still the sovereign Lord
There's healing in Your wings

Monday, June 28, 2010

Look out!!

It may be silly, but this ‘biggest loser’ thing is doing crazy things to me.

First of all, I forgot how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE exercise. I feel so rejuvenated by it all. More energy, less stress, crazy endorphins, its super sweet!

But you know what’s the greatest part, I am letting go of fear and my heart feels like its awakening. I have never felt like I haven’t loved, I feel like in so many ways I love so big but God is just bursting out, I feel like I have these dreams and I believe (REALLY!) that they are going to come true. That all this time I have sat on the sidelines watching other people’s dreams come true, that He really does have that for me too.

This hasn’t been easy (physically or emotionally) but that skinny chic inside of me is breaking out, and I think she’s a little pissed that I held her in so long because it hurts but while the tears are flowing, God is filling that with such good stuff, Him.

Matthew 10:39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


A lot of people keep telling me that I am inspiring.  Inspiring?  I don't know about all that.

Afraid.  That's what I am.

That whole doing it afraid.  That sucks.  And its only out of obedience that I do it.

I know that God has something amazing for me.  If only I'd stop being so afraid and I'd trust Him.

You know what I'm afraid of?

I'm afraid of turning my ankle
I'm afraid of not losing weight and they will kick me out even though I know I am doing everything right
I'm afraid of not accomplishing my goal

See why I'm so crazy?

And so as I was worshipping today I was just like "God, I don't want to be afraid, no more fear.  But don't You remember that even though I was on that journey for the 3 day I twisted my ankle? That was a journey with You too".  He said to me "that journey was not about the walk". 

I believe the Word of God in Proverbs when it says A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way? (Proverbs 20:24) or In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps (proverbs 16:9)

But sometimes fear is a debilitating thing.  It can stop us.

I asked God tonight to deliver me from this fear.  And I trust Him, I know He can.

So I went to Woodhaven Hill (West and Hall Road) and I RAN up the hill and DOWN the hill.  I did not twist my ankle.  I ran around the hill (half of it back to my car) and yes I ran. But mostly, I trusted. I trusted that God has brought me here and He will take me to the end of this journey.

So all those other things I'm afraid of, I'll trust God right through them.  He will deliver me.

Eph 2:10 (NLT) For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago

A week in review

1.  I can do way more than I think I can (I'm also stronger than I think)
2.  There really is a skinny person inside me waiting to break out, and until she gets out, its gonna hurt.
3.  I missed my pean!
4.  I love working out!
5.  The trainers don't scare me!    I can do anything they ask of me!
6.  I believe I can reach my goal(s)
7.  I can't believe how fat I am!  Why did I do this to myself?
8.  This really really isn't about food!
9.  Two really are better than one!
10.  Its super important that we encourage each other
11.  Sometimes I really do need to focus on me!
12.  If you cheat, you only cheat yourself!
13.  Jesus never lets you go!

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

His Word never returns void

Yesterday we were doing the biggest loser training, ok, you might be tired of hearing about it, but either get over it or click that little X on the right. :)

I barely thought I was going to make it up the hill and then Melissa makes me pull people? What? she's nuts! but you know what? I did it, not only once but twice! It was hard (I don't say I can't, I say 'that's going to be very difficult) but I did it!

I was walking around the track and I was just praying, whatever and then God decides to work on me (I was already about to puke) and says 'I keep watching you, you keep going off on your own, I didn't design it that way, and then He does it, He gives me a scripture. And He knows that I love His Word - even when I'm like 'UGH I know!!' And then He reminded me about how I don't like big crowds of people, even when I know everyone, and the Baptism was coming up, and I need to not be anxious, and that I'm not alone in this!!

So here we go, another thing to deal with, but I will, and I will conquer it.

Ecc 4:9-10
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


2 Cor 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I've struggled with obedience. Ok, who am I kidding I struggle with obedience. Sometimes I just don't want to. It seems that lately I've been tasked with little steps of obedience, usually met up with some resistance from me. I do them, not liking it, but I do. Sometimes afraid, sometimes mad, knowing that His direction is the way I want to go, and in His love is the way I want to live.

Unless you're just tuning in, I'm doing the Biggest Loser at Metro. You wanna know what crazy thing they have asked us to do??? Don't step on a scale for three weeks. WHAT? all this work and I can't check to see how I'm doing? Really? You're nuts!

And so if I'm gonna be honest, I thought to myself, I could cheat and no one would know. Ok, but that's not right, just because you're doing something wrong and no one knows, doesn't make it right. Scratch that idea.

And then I thought, and even talked to Melissa about giving her my scale. Of course she agreed. But here's the thing, that's not obedience either. That's just removing the temptation.

In my life, I've given into temptation, and by the size of my butt, you know too many times temptation has beaten me. But this is not all about weight, this is about changing my mind set, and in all things I need to be obedient. Ugh. There will be a lot of times when I will be tempted and I am going to have to overcome that, and I will, and this is the first step.

So I will keep my scale in the same place it always is, I will not step on it. I will be obedient. I believe that the people running this contest have the best in mind for me, they obviously know what they are doing, and so I will listen, and be obedient.

2 Cor 2:9 The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Goals

The areas I would like to improve the most about my body and fitness levels are:

Body: My belly and my yucky butt and when I wave at someone, if someone else is too close they might get knocked out by my flabby arms

Fitness levels: I’d like to RUN up the stairs, I’d like to run 7 miles on the treadmill for 30 minutes straight. I’d like to run the Detroit ½ marathon. I’d like to do the Detroit Marathon Relay

Identify the biggest problems or barriers in your path that may prevent you from reaching your fitness goals.

That I don’t think I’m worth taking the time for.

That someone (outside of my immediate family) is always asking me to do something and because I am a people pleaser (afraid people will always leave) I say yes, even to the point of my own exhaustion.

I am BUSY!!! Work, home, Alive, Church, volunteering at soup kitchens. Taking time for everyone but myself.

In what ways are you responsible for these situations

I am responsible for all these situations. I can believe that I am worth it, that God loves me and I need to love myself, that means taking time for me.

I am allowed to say no, I just have to give myself permission. People will come in and out of our lives in and out of our control, it has nothing to do with whether or not we can do something for them.

I may be busy, but that means I may have to say no to something, let someone else have the blessing and accomplishment of serving others. If I always say yes, that means others don’t get to. I’m stealing blessings from them without them even knowing. If I don’t say no, others cannot say yes.

Imagine that you have the ability to reach any fitness goals you could ever set yourself. What do you look like?
I’m thin, I have clear skin (because no garbage in). I will look good in my clothes, I will have natural curves not rolls. Rolls are for the dinner table, and only whole grain!

What size clothes do you wear? How do you feel about yourself? How much do you weigh?

Size 6/8 jeans, Medium shirts
I will love myself because God will work on my heart and how I view myself. I will no longer be validated by others but validated by God. I will weigh 140-150

What are your most common excuses for not eating right or exercising?

That I’m tired, that I don’t have time.

What are some things that you can do to offset your justifications or reasons?

I will not accept excuses from myself. I will find people who will truly keep me accountable.

The things I will need to sacrifice that will help me achieve these goals are:

I need to come to the realization that I am not everybody’s everything. That I am successful. That I have great value. I will need to plan, so that means I need to grocery shop accordingly. My family can exercise with me, we can run, swim, etc.


Yesterday was the first day of our Biggest Loser competition/life changing. I honestly did not do as well as I thought I’d do. I’ve never run on anything but a treadmill so it was much different on a track. Not bad, just different.

At one point I thought ‘these other people deserve to win the prize more than me, I am just going to compete against myself, I can’t lose that way, and I will be encouraging to them (and myself)” but to tell you the truth, to say that I don’t deserve to win a lie straight from the pit of hell. Because of God’s grace, I do deserve it.

Phil 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus

God doesn’t call me to put myself down, to think of myself as ugly or fat. He states so many beautiful things about me, He has great plans for me, I just have to BELIEVE Him.

Last night I was going to listen to Christina when I ran/walked but it just wasn’t very motivating, its funny how God changes our hearts, and that the other times I’ve lost weight it never really was for me, though I could talk a good game, it was about a guy, that I thought I wanted. I never really did it for myself, this time is different, I am doing it for God, and for ME! To accept the love and the grace that He has for me. I didn’t even know what I wanted to listen to, so I put on Hillsong United’s A Cross the earth, Tear down the walls. Talk about hearing God speak and being able to worship Him, maybe I wasn’t running (because I couldn’t breath lol) but I had my arms up, singing.

I just am in awe of God and what He is doing in my heart. This is not about food for me, this is about walls that God is tearing down. God has been working in my life for awhile, He’s been taking the bricks by bricks down (because that’s all I allowed) but now, I am ready for Him to take a wrecking ball to those walls, for them to come down never to go up again.

If I think about the love that I could give without passing it through a wall, and what kind of love I can RECEIVE without those same walls, that blows me away.

He has brought me so far and I can’t wait to see where He takes me now. This journey with God is so awesome, and I am sure that His plans far exceed anything I can even imagine!

Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed

Freedom is here

So take the limits off
No matter what the cost
I’m running after Your call
And I will run this race
See You face to face
So let Your power overflow

No reason to Hide

Theres not a minute to waste not a second to lose
Tehres a city that waits for us it's time we took
All the lamp shades off
We'll see Your glory revealed
And see your name lifted high
There is nobody else for us
Jesus You are the only one!

More than anything

You knew us from the start
Our every moment
Though we fell apart
You chose to love us
Never letting go
You sent Your Son for us

He came into the world
With one desire
To lead us from our sin
Remove our failures
So we could meet with You
You know ourselves as Yours

In a world that tries to
Find a way in itself
Searching high and low
Looking for a meaning
We will hold to what we
Know is truth know is love
Life is found when we give
Ourselves all to You, Lord

Give it all give it all
To the One who's Life
Give it all give it all
To the One who's Life
Give it all give it all
To the One whose life
Saved mine

Our future in Your hands
Our lives with purpose
Sins now erased
Our past behind us
Never looking back
We know ourselves as Yours

This we know we have a new life
We are Yours now and forever
In this life all that we seek
To be with You more than anything

Monday, June 21, 2010

Its show time

Go big or go home!

Today is the first day of biggest loser! super excited! and nervous! This is going to be quite a journey!

To be more like Jesus!

You know from the accounts I have Jesus wasn't this tubby guy walking around telling the Truth. And His life was about love.

So here I go, ready to be more like Jesus in a whole lotta ways.

On Friday, my books on CD arrived - Jesus - 90 days with the One and Only by Beth Moore along with my diet minder - personal food and fitness journal.

Am I a little of the top? Maybe. But if you have a destination in mind, and you'd like to get there as soon as possible, you get a map, and you follow it and if your journey is dark (which mine will be) - you follow the Light.

This is God's story in my life.

Matthew 10:39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Mission Trip Update

I'm pretty excited about the Detroit Mission Trip, while its not to a desintation far far away, it is to a destination that needs Love. I love Detroit, no need to tell you that.

I always try to publish a list of the things we need. This year we have this AWESOME 'on line community' at Metro where you can put your needs, etc on it. So I put what we need, and for the few people who have signed up for the online community, they are checking stuff off. Maybe to you its silly, but one night in bible study, I remember EJ saying 'let the church be the church'.

Sometimes i forget that I don't need to do EVERYTHING that I can ask for help. That's hard for me, because if you ask for help that means you need someone else. So many times in my life I've been hurt when I trusted or let down by someone. but I have to remember that people aren't perfect and its a blessing to be used by God and to serve others. Everyone knows that we can't be 'the church' just one of us all alone, we wouldn't accomplish much, however, together, we can accomplish so much for His Glory.

Acts 4:32-35 32All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. 34There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

This is how God loves me

I was in the grocery store and was overwhelmed by love in LaraBars. and it didn't stop there.

Follow me if you wish...

About 3 or 4 (or maybe it's been 6 months now) a friend came to our group, not by choice, but I believe by 'chance'. Her name is Jill, I'd like to call her Jilly Bird every chance I could, and I'm not sure why, but I do. Some people were not so fond of Jill when she got here, maybe threatened wondering what it was all about, me, I was THRILLED, I love Jill. And oh by the way, loves Jesus (really, you think she came by accident! HA!). She is very super de duper encouraging, and if we lived closer, I think I'd adopt myself as her BFF. And if you know, I don't really do the BFF thing anymore, way too much heartbreak, just have really good friends. But yesterday Jill brought me some different flavor Larabars, for me to discover that I love them outside of Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, and cashew cookie (and i usually hate any kind of those bar things) and so it goes, I was going to order some online and the are EXPENSIVE and here's how I'm loved in Kroger - online they are 18 bars for $26.95 + shipping (do the math people, that's $1.49 each + shipping), I would have, I tell you, HOWEVER!!!! Kroger has them 10 for $10 this week!! and they were out of a bunch of them, so I got a raincheck so I can get them at a later date! And you see, crazy as it sounds I believe that God loves me in so much detail that He cares that I get my Larabars!! And He brought me a great friend like Jill!!

And oh, by the way, He loves me by letting me use my sweet cooking skills and cooking for a graduation party, and while I was overwhelmed with 'Martha Syndrome' I was thinking about how in my life Group in the book of Luke in chapter 10 about Mary and Martha... and in other places we studied that God made a lot of food with a little and then when I still was like "ugh, but..." I thought of a conversation I had with Pretty Sarah and how even back in the day, the disciples still worried and God was like 'hey, don't you get it, I got it' and so I breathed a little easier...

and I was thinking about how I should make fruit salad in case 'the boys' (Levi and Judah) and 'the girls' (Ava & Lana) come because they love fruit, and I was thinking about how blessed I am to have great people in my life, and my friend who called and said 'how am I helping' not 'what do you want me to do?' and how blessed I am to have her.

How I sent out a scripture today, and someone got mad at me, and I got a little -ugh- and He just said, she needed it, just let her have it, I'll do the rest. How great is it to hear from a King? And He gives us peace!!! and the reason I sent the scripture today was because I was blown away by it, so why not share!!

I tell you, God loves me in a million ways!! I am one blessed girl!!

Isa 61:1-3
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Love always wins

I believe the Word of God is Alive!!
I believe in and serve a living God!!!

Yesterday I found out about a situation that I was not happy about. It affects me indirectly. It was easy to see the hurt, it was easy to see the hate, and how easy it would be to retaliate in hate. But here’s the thing. Hate NEVER wins. Ever. It causes pain, it causes destruction, and it takes a long time to fix all that. There is often remenents of the hate for many days to come.

Instantly transported to 1 Cor 13:4-10
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
A lot of people use this scripture for weddings, but all those things, they are true about love in any situation, especially ones started in hate. I believe that it might be easier at the moment to sling hate. I believe that hate hurts, if we live in hate, we are inpatient, mean, jealous, we boat, we act proud, rude, selfish, angry, hate lies.. Our lists of things gone wrong out measures our blessings, because of all those things, we are broken, we don’t trust (because we wait for more truth to come), we are pessimistic, and we break down all the time, and give up. Hate may sling mud but it never wins, and its always messy.

But for a minute, its easy, but in the long run it sucks, we end up crawling to the cross broken like shattered glass. That needs to be melted and molded back to life.

If we love we do all the things the bible says it much easier, and in the simplest of things… how can we be to blame if we do what’s right? If we love. At the end of the day we can sleep easy knowing that we did what was right.

This is not a lesson that has always come easy to me. But through my own situations, and others, the best lesson I’ve ever learned is…

That love always wins.

Thank You Jesus for a crazy grace filled love that I’ll never fully understand and I fail a lot but I will strive more and more everyday to be more like You.

Monday, June 14, 2010


Summer is almost here. Phyllis has her last day of school on Thursday. I have no idea where the summer will take us, I just know at this point, it will be, quite an adventure.

One the 19th we leave for Chicago, driving there, staying the night, and flying back on the 20th, I arrive at 9:45. Phyllis will stay at Summer Studio for a week, and then I fly in, presentation, and we drive home. I can’t wait to drive home and hear all about it.

The 21st I start the Biggest Loser competition at my church. God is working so much in me already, I’m allowing Him to work on some things in me, wounds that are very deep, but if you don’t deal with internal hemorrhaging? You die. And I want to live! And that I shall.

There are some things in the next few months that are going to be a total inconvenience but worth it, there will be some pain that will be really hard to get through but I will. The only way to deal with your problems, is to deal with them. How about that!

Last night VH1 had their program Storytellers on, I used to really like that show, hearing the stories behind the songs. You can visit it here.

The last time I went on fitness kick, really worked hard on tackling some other stuff. I was watching the program and remembered how much I loved that CD, it was the CD I listened to almost everyday while running. It pumped me up, helped me believe in myself, it was awesome. So today I am going to download it from Rhapsody to my Mp3 player (which I just bought an arm band thing so I can run with it – yesterday). One of the things she said was that those things that bring us pain sometimes make us stronger. There is a part in the song ‘Fighter’ (see below) that just makes me think of satan, while sometimes I think we give him too much credit, there is no doubt that he comes after us to distract us from living a life with God, living a life of love, and so this part… he should be scared, because I AM GOING TO COME OUT STRONGER, loving bigger and better than before.

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

So here I come! Look out because you’ve never been loved bigger or hugged harder! I will be stronger, wiser, and more loving!! Walls will come down and glory will be revealed. All for Him!!!

2 Cor 12:10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I can and I will!

I could list all the reasons why this won't work, why I'm scared, but this isn't about that. This is all the reasons why I will be successful.

1. Jesus will never leave me
2. I have people who love and support me
3. I love chicken and vegetables
4. I love to work hard
5. People are praying for me
6. I'm gonna address my issues
7. The program is set up for success
8. Because people think I can't, and i like to prove them wrong lol
9. When I do something I do it with all i have
10. Because I believe I can

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

Friday, June 11, 2010

Biggest Loser - Here I come!

I am scared, I do a lot of things for others, afraid.

This last year has been a lot of obedience. Sometimes, I was a day late, but I did it. Scared.

There is a lot that needs to be forgiven. I need to forgive myself. I laugh when I tell the kids something about me and they get these big eyes, like they are so shocked, they don’t see past my ‘mom’ exterior. Ha! The thing is that I know that God forgives me so why I can’t forgive myself. This will be part of the growing process.

And how about the fact that since I struggle with the whole forgiving myself, I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy. Ok, I said it. And let’s just visit for a minute that I’ve made some of the dumbest decisions when I was thin. Oh boy, I got a lot to work with… Good thing God is a big God because He might have to roll up His sleeves on this one.

And… taking all this time for myself? Will be think I'm selfish? It means less serving, asking for help, and doing less for others. Oh boy, you’d think that wouldn’t be hard, but it is. I’ve taken care of someone most of my life.

So why do it?

Because I want to be happy, I want to forgive myself, I want to be obedient.

And most importantly, because

God deserves the Glory.

John 8:54 Jesus replied, "If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father, whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sorry for the rambling, but God was working in my heart....

Ever have to throw up?

Ever try to keep it in?

Sometimes it’s a relief to throw up even though you don’t want to.

Usually we throw up because we eat something we shouldn’t or we contract some kind of a virus. Throwing up is your body’s way of getting rid of something that shouldn’t be there.

I have a tendancy to word vomit. I let things in my life that I shouldn’t. Sometimes its sin, sometimes its people, sometimes its things that I should just ‘let go and let God’. I remember this crazy lesson I learned about Noah’s ark, that God told Noah EXACTLY how to build the Ark, He left nothing to chance. How great would my life be if I just really let God rule it instead of me, or my emotions.

If in all things I saw things that God sees, the way HE sees it. What am I afraid of?

I guess I say this because the last month I have really struggled with hurt. And I was thinking last night after witnessing hurt, I kept thinking ‘she didn’t mean to hurt you” and the thing is that if I would look at people’s intentions instead of their actual actions, maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt. In another situation I was thinking about that I caused hurt because I was hurt (hurting people hurt people) if I just would have looked at someone’s intentions instead of their actions (and I would have talked to them when I was a little hurt instead of a LOT hurt) maybe more hurt could have been avoided.

One day I vomited, not real vomit but word vomit. And although the person I vomited about, didn’t see me, I still did. Why couldn’t I just see the hurt instead of the actions? Part of me just feels like I should just let me unload on me, whatever hurt I caused and then just take it, take that hurt and learn a lesson from it, because I do cause hurt, intentionally or unintentionally, and I hate that.

I knew God most of my life, however, I didn’t follow Him or live my life for Him, and it says in the 2 Cor 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! I think of how I was before I knew Christ, and sometimes I have to ‘unlearn’ some of those behaviors, I didn’t want to say ‘learn’ new behaviors, because I have learned them, but sometimes I have to unlearn the bad habits, I need to let the strength of Christ overcome those things in my life. It’s a daily process. It’s an every day decision (sometimes every minute) to “Chose You over me” to say “I’m hurt right now, but I chose not to focus on me, but to focus on You, Lord” to still deal with the things that hurt, but to forgive, to think about how much Jesus took for my sin, that the hurt that I feel is nothing compared to the pain that He took, for something that He didn’t do, and I do cause pain.

Thinking about a lot of scripture that just runs through my head like a spring of life…

Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

What does that mean? I’m not always sure, but I will strive to achieve it. To act justly, to do what is right, to love mercy, to give it freely, and to walk humbly with my God, to know that He is, to know that He is everything, and I am but a servant that He came after to give me freedom. Where else can you find such love? Only in Jesus.

Lord, Help me to be unafraid to live in Your goodness, to be unafraid of letting You control my life, my heart, and my mind. Help me to only see You and what You would have me to do/go. Lord, everyday I not only want the world to see that I love You, I want to know that my heart belongs to You, so then the world WILL KNOW that I am imperfect but You, Lord, are perfect, in all things, in provision, in forgiveness, in grace, in love, in hope. Your love knows no boundaries. Lord, help me everyday to be more like You, and less like me.
1 John 4:17-19In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19We love because he first loved us.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

a little insight into my heart

Its a funny thing 'empty nest' syndrome.  You think when you're kids are 2 or 3 that you can't wait for it you might think 'imagine my life when I can do whatever I want".  The funny thing about me is that for the last 17 years, I have done whatever I wanted because I just wanted to be a mom.  Another funny thing about me is that about 17.5 years ago when given the chance to be a mom, I almost didn't because I wasn't sure that was my path.  Funny how God knows our path long before we do...  you know that I've said a million times that I didn't know how to be a mom, almost every day is an adventure of walking blindly for me.  Sometimes I just wait for God to open my eyes about something because I don't know what to do, I think they call that blind faith, I call it being scared of making the wrong decision. 

My daughter is a Junior, soon to be a senior.  I always wanted her to be and do whatever she wanted, and I've prayed for those opportunities and like crazy envelopes that sit with money in them on your arm chair and you don't even know its there, they came, fast and furious.  She wants to go away to school.   I kind you not, that child has had her bags packed and ready to take on the world since she was 2.  (She could pack her own suitcase since she was 10 with little help, she even packed pretty much both our suitcases for our last Cedar Point trip)  Is she scared sometimes, sure, but I always try to stand behind her yelling "you can do it, you can do ANYTHING", but she's about to leave to college.  WOW, how did that happen?  And I'm about to have an empty nest.

I think that people have always asked me to have drinks after work or go to this party or that party but really I always want to go home.  Home is where my heart is, home is where Phyllis is.  I always kind of felt like I worked all day, and she's the best part of my day so why wouldn't I just want to go home.  It's not that I don't love those people or love spending time with them, but I love her best.  Maybe you understand, maybe you don't.  I've always just tried to do the best I could.

Now you can tell me that she'll always be my daughter and she'll always need her mama. I know. But there is some kind of weird thing in my heart that happens when I kiss her forehead good night or ask her if she slept well.  Or to see that cute face of hers when she first wakes up in the morning or says 'can you check the weather?'  I love that sound she makes when I buy cherries because I know she loves them but it kills me because they are expensive!

And BTW isn't empty nest syndrome for old people?  Hello!  I'm only 37, I won't even be 40 when she graduates. 

What do you do when you can do whatever you want?  I'm not sure because I've always just wanted to be her mom.

I guess it will just be another blind adventure.

“The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments.”- Habakkuk 3:19

Monday, June 07, 2010

Path of Destruction

I am often like a tornado.   Really windy and I leave a mess. 

I haven't been feeling well, a lot of things are just a mess, while I don't make a big deal of it, it makes me a mess, I felt like I was on the mend until I threw out my back on Friday.  I think people knew that I wasn't doing well, but I don't know if anyone really cared.  But by that time, I've hurt feelings, and hurt people, and my inside is a mess.  By then the tornado has already come threw and left a mess of things that just can't be fixed.

I just can't say I'm sorry enough.  I could make all the excuses in the world, but they don't matter.  All that matters is that I caused hurt. I hate that about me. 

I don't tend to focus on the positives, I wish I did. I've always just waited for the ax to fall, so I watch for it.  I just wait for someone to walk away, I wait for ________.  I hate that about me.

Phil 4:8-9  (msg)
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

I often like to look things up, to look up different versions of a scripture, definitions, different meanings of words (how cool is a concordance! - yes, I know nerd!) I love to learn.  Sunday I went to visit my old church, First Baptist, the Pastor there is an incredible teacher, he breathed God about Phil 4:2-8.  I've known 4:6 and 4:8 but never really the whole story, and I was just like wow!  I suck, but thank You God for Your Word and its continuous blessings and lessons it brings. 

So yesterday, I just walked around saying Phil 4:8, I not only need to see the good in all things, I WANT to.  I don't want to wait for the ax to fall, I want to see the good in things, its not going to be a quick change, but I know that everyday that I chose to see what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and excellent is a day I'll see those things.

Phil 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Seeing like Him!

I have the scripture Phil 4:8 in a frame right when you walk out of my bathroom, its not some sweet picture, I literally wrote it, put it in a frame so that everyday i read it. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Now I'm thinking about this on so many levels.  Being that I'm really struggling with a certain someone God really spoke to me today.  what if in all their faults (and trust me, I could list them) all you thought of was Phil 4:8?  Would it change your attitude?  well, duh!

Because I need to make things easy, i need to get it all, bit by bit, I looked up some of the words in my concordance (see Sara, you did teach me a thing or two... I didn't even know what a concordance was til you <3) and some online dictionary

If I see it in myself and see it in others, I will see what God sees.  Oh to be more like Him.

Whatever is True:
Whatever is Noble:
having or showing or indicative of high or elevated character; "a noble spirit"; "noble deeds"

Whatever is Right:
correct: free from error; especially conforming to fact or truth; "the correct answer"; "the correct version"; "the right answer"; "took the right road"; "the right decision
Whatever is lovely:
Friendly towards, accepting
Whatever is admirable:
inspiring admiration or approval; "among her many admirable qualities are generosity and graciousness
Whatever is excellent:
to bear through, surpass, be better, carry, differ from, drive up, make better
Whatever is Praiseworthy:
Meriting praise; worthy of high praise
Think about those things.

Friday, June 04, 2010

oh what a feeling

I think a lot of people think that just because I'm emotional that means I don't bottle things up inside.  Oh I do, and I'm sitting here, crying because I've got so much bottled up I can barely stand it.

Let's just start with the obvious, the bakery, what a dream, oh this desire I can barely contain it.  I checked into one place.  $200k.  WHile I realize that nothing is too big for God, that completely seems out of my grasp, and the thought of this missed dream makes my heart ache. I could see such life when I walked in the door.  I can't even imagine.

I hurt my back today getting desserts out of my car, ironic, right?  Just a little twist the wrong way and pain has been shooting up and down my body.  It hurts really bad, seems to be getting better but still really hurts. 

I got a note from someone today, its funny that when people tell you that they are telling you something in love but haven't really shown you any love or you feel like you've been blown off for months, and that you don't really matter, its hard to take in love.  Just saying.

So that's it in a nutshell. 

Psalm 61:1 Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer

Thursday, June 03, 2010

I really should have a Bakery

a lot of people tell me I should have a bakery, or a resturaunt, and I always kind of shrug it off.  Truth is I'm scared.  Most of my life I have lived in some kind of fear, and a lot of that fear is the fear of disappointing someone, sometimes myself. 

I believe that my daughter can do anything.  People look at me silly sometimes when I tell them she wants to go into fashion.  I'm always like 'she can do ANYTHING and she will be SUCCESSFUL" and I throw in that 'bite me' look for good measure. lol  However when it comes to my dreams, I'm a little more reserved.

I'd love to have a bakery, old school stuff plus some really cool cakes.  Maybe coffee and danish hang out in the mornings or a quick fill up on your way to work.

One thing that I for sure would have is a free cupcake on your birthday, with only one string attached, that you must get your picture taken for the wall of celebration - because you are worth celebrating!!  I know silly right?

Old school pastries and strudels, the kind that when you take a bite, you are instantly transported to sitting at your grandma (or great gma)'s table and you remember the smell of her apron as she hugged you like no one else.  You remember when she'd ask you if you wanted another piece (but don't tell anyone ;] )

Cakes that you can take home and not just say 'it was a quick pick up at the local chain grocery store' and no one really likes it, but they eat it to be polite.  A yummy cake made by someone who knows that you're busy but they know that you're worth celebrating.  A cake that you either don't share the leftovers or you send it out because if it stays in your house, you'll eat it all.

Or a special occasion cake, or a seasonal, strawberry shortcake or blueberry coffeecake, things that are only available sometimes so they always seem like a great treat!

Coffee warm and inviting.  A great way to start your day, a smile and a coffee. And maybe a treat!

I can tell you a million reasons why I would be scared, buying my own insurance, not a steady paycheck, but oh to trust God, to have faith as small as a mustard seed, to say 'move that mountain' and it moves.  Wow! 

That seems so big to me.  But really, nothing is impossible for me!!!

Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Outrage that needs to be redirected

I wish i had 1 penny for every minute that is wasted talking about a stupid baseball game call... if i had that money, I would donate it to orphanages in Africa.

how can we be so outraged by sports (entertainment) but not about orphans, sex trafficking, broken hearts?

Makes me want to jump out of my skin.

This was an unpaid service announcement, it probably means nothing to you, but lots to me.

Thank you

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

a letter

Dear satan,

Its been a rough week!  ok, month, you have used almost everyone I know to try to hurt me, and its worked.

you little booger, you've tried to use people I love, people I look up to, to hurt me, and you succeeded in hurting me, but so sorry for you, I love Jesus.  He is my Lord, my Savior, my Healer my Protector, my Friend, my Provider, my Peace, my Love, He is my Everything.

I'm asking you nicely, and this will be the last time I ask you nicely, so please take note.  You suck, leave me & my family alone.

Matthew 16:23 23Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Grandma Yearwood's Coconut Cake

I couldn't wait to make this cake, I don't know why because on my diet I can't eat it, but this recipe from Trisha Yearwood's cookbook - ONE WORD: WOW!! People who are always happy to get a piece of my cake, were raving and going nuts over this one. Oh boy, let me tell you, not good for you!

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature

2 cups sugar

6 large eggs, at room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 (12-ounce) box vanilla wafers, finely crushed

1 (6-ounce) package frozen grated coconut, thawed

½ cup chopped pecans

Coconut Lemon Glaze (recipe follows)

Preheat oven to 325 F. Grease and flour a 9-inch tube cake pan.

Cream butter and sugar until light and smooth. Add eggs and vanilla, beating well. Mix in vanilla wafer crumbs, coconut and pecans. Pour into the pan and bake 1 hour and 15 minutes. Allow cake to cool in pan for 10 minutes before turning out onto a rack.

Transfer cooled cake to serving plate. Using a toothpick, poke several holes in top of cooled cake and pour glaze over the cake. Makes 12 servings.

Coconut Lemon Glaze: In a medium saucepan, mix 2 cups sugar, 2 tablespoons cornstarch, a pinch of salt, grated zest of 2 large lemons, ¼ cup fresh lemon juice, 1 ½ cups water and 1 (6-ounce) package frozen grated coconut, thawed. Cook over medium heat, stirring until thickened, about 15 minutes. Let cool slightly.

The Land of Women

There is this movie - The Land of Women, not the greatest movie ever by a long shot, but there was a lot of great lines...  Phyllis posted this on her blog and I thought, oh yeah I loved that... you gotta get past the language but so true! 

Carter:  I'm trying to wake you up! There's a big f------ world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, it's never ever the thing you'd expect. It's ok to be scared but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an a--hole, not when it comes to the people that really love you, the people that need you.
Don't judge each day by the harvest that you reap,
but by the seeds that you plant

Everyday I read that. I think about all the people that I plant seeds into their lives, I see their beauty, how great they are, their beautiful spirits.

I plant no seeds in my own life. I can't think of a day when I've thought "you're great, beautiful, or funny" I've always filled my head with doubts. I've thought of every way that I'm not good enough, in so many ways.

This is what I think of:

Be a nurse (constant disappointment)
Don't use power tools (you'll wreck it)
You'll always be fat (no matter how you try, you'll always be a failure)

I think its time to start planting a flower garden in my own life. To remove self doubt, to remove the things that hurt me, and to begin to grow my own garden.

Song of Solomon 4:7 All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

WTF? Where's the Fruit?

I’ve been struggling lately, if you’ve read my blog, you know that my head is just above the water. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. There isn’t something that someone can do. I feel like I am constantly under attack, that really mean voice in my head won’t be silenced. Turning to the bible, I’ve read stuff and said “my head knows that but that knowledge needs to travel to my heart” and then I start to wonder “are you really saved?” oh, and lets not even go there, even though I do know that I am. I’ve literally felt my fruit of the spirit fall off my tree and then I’ve wanted to chuck it at people. Nice. I know.

Where does it all stem from? I don’t like me.

I can pick out every fault in me. And it seems that every day I’m struggling to find anything good about me.

And so the last few days I’ve just come clean about everything I’ve felt to God. I’ve said things like “I hate this about me, why did You do that?” and a whole lot of other things, things that God knew I was feeling, and I just let it all go. I was honest with both of us. Doing my bible study about a Daughter’s Worth, as I was writing, I turned all the things I hated into praise, it was a start. I changed my outlook. To see myself through God’s eyes would be fabulous.

About 2 months ago I bought the book ‘Capitivating’ on CD, I’ve already read it, but for ‘some reason’ I bought it on CD, probably because it was on sale. I was listening to it this morning, and I was blown away by the way God spoke to me this morning in just 20 minutes. WOW! All the feelings I have been having, just confirmation that I am going to be ok, and that I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

Next I think I am going to go and get ‘so long insecurities’ on CD by Beth Moore

Psalm 45:11 11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

slowly but surely

I don't know how I managed to get out of Cedar Point without eating cheese fries, although I did have Qdoba so that probably saved me!

I did have about 3 bites of dippin' dots only to give them away. I really wanted them, waited til the end of the day and then thought "these aren't even that good" and along comes Adam to my rescue and eats them!

I'm down around 4 pounds, pretty good for about 7 or 8 days not sure because i don't have a calendar in front of me, and I was able to pass on Coldstone two days in a row when I could hear it calling my name. Funny because I don't even feel like ice cream is my biggest deal to get over, but lately it has been.

There's spinach, chicken, & veggies for lunch all week!

Gotta stay focused!!