Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Friday, April 22, 2016

Hope deferred

I'm not a dreamer for myself. I live my life and do what God calls me to do. I plant gardens and help make soccer fields happen. I see other people dream, and I help them.

But I dreamt. I dreamt of this beautiful house with lots of character. I dreamt of being that neighbor on the block that the kids knew I'd help them with their homework and listen and love them. 

I dreamt it being in Detroit tucked away in a sweet neihhborhood.

And then it felt like it all got snatched away. And even though I know God has a plan, I know His way is good, I know... I'm still disappointed and can't help but feel like maybe I should just do what God has created me to do, just serve other people and make their dreams and visions come true.

That's not over dramatic it just feels dumb to dream dreams that probably won't happen.

Oh I don't know.

I'm sad. 

I'm disappointed.

It's gonna be ok but I really was happy about this all happening.

Back to the drawing board I guess 
 Proverbs 13:12 "hope deferred makes the heart sick." 

I still trust though 

Thursday, April 07, 2016


Each day is filled with ups and downs. Each day holds endless possibilities. 
And at the end of every day I hope that I was kind. I hope that I treated people like I want to be treated. I hope to sing each song without the worry about who will applaud but just to portray the joy in my heart.
I've learned in all my years that it is not how people treat us but how we react (or don't) that is the measure of our character.
Lately my reaction when I'm overwhelmed with hurt or sorrow is to walk away. Don't run don't stomp just walk away. Breathe pray plan. 
In the bible it says that God has great plans for us, and not to harm us, but people on the other hand, that is a different story. In the moments when there is pain and discomfort I seek a safe place. 
Today after a day that has ended with hurt and pain I am reminded deep in my heart that His mercies are new every morning and in that i find great comfort. I find that safe place I long for as I seek God and take refuge in His strength and love

Friday, April 01, 2016

True Confessions, and fresh starts

Yesterday I got trapped by someone and almost felt forced to listen to their ignorance.  I had one of those flight or fight moments and I was trying so hard to get away.  I can actually only imagine my face as I was standing there.  It took every bit of self control I had to not tell this person off.  I mean really.  I can’t even explain it, I have never felt so worn out from being quiet in my entire life.  What’s crazy is that I had just had a great talk with the home inspector, a time of prayer with friends, and then this…  Almost like I was part of that show “Punked” with Ashton Kutcher… but at no point did Ashton pop out.  I must admit that I had worked myself up so much that I gave myself a headache. 

As I came home to my very peaceful house, and prayed, I found myself so thankful to be enlightened by something.  Love.  I find love and loving and being loved the thing that brings me the most peace. 

And while I am admitting things…  Dreaming makes me nuts.  Turns up my "wanter"... 
And having my dreams come true actually made me bat shit crazy and I took my eye off the Prize.  The truth is that I think I’ve wanted to move out of Lincoln Park as soon as I moved in.  I’ve enjoyed many friends, made great memories, but it was not a place that was going to keep me.  When this whole thing about moving to Detroit really started to come to fruition, it was almost too good to be true.  And so at every house I’d get excited only to be let down… and it happened a few times.  And as usually happens to me, when I am afraid, I get crazy, and I was afraid.  Was this dream so close only to be snatched from my fingertips?  Seriously, this is the most scared I’ve been in a long time.  The thought of this dream never coming true was overwhelming!  I mean I’ve come to the realization that I might never be married no matter how much I want it, and it may or may not ever happen, but I have come to a weird peace about it (somedays I am more peaceful about it than others).  I let this fear get me off course, and that’s the truth.  I probably didn’t serve as much as I would have because I was distracted, I probably wasn’t as kind as I should have been, or loving.

The truth is that I had to forgive myself and remember where I put my trust.  I am telling you that as soon as I finally said, and believed it with all my heart, “I trust You, God” it all fell into place.  We found a home that brings me great peace just standing in it. 

My prayer is that during all the crazy that is about to happen, I stay focused on loving people, and being kind, and following whatever it is that God has planned.  Soccer fields, gardens, meals, mission trips, whatever it, Here I am, send me!