Passion is a gritty kind of love, tough and

optimistic enthusiasm that overcomes negativity and inconvenience to make it

through to the end. (10,000 Reasons Overflow)

Saturday, May 31, 2014

A reminder

God has been speaking to me but I've been struggling. My schedule has been a little whacky! So crazy that I went to a birthday party yesterday and COMPLETELY forgot to get a card and present (hopefully my friend will be grace giving when I give them their gift today).

Every so often I look around and I've got a whacky life that sometimes I don't even understand. I love what I do, I love how God has called me to serve (except when I try to do things that are not my gifts - I cry when that happens).  I am human and sometimes get tired and disheartened. And honestly I might have forgotten who I am in Christ for a moment, I forgot I was beautiful, and my chatterbox was on full blast. I finally started speaking life to myself.

And finally I reached out and asked a prayer warrior i know to pray for me.  And I don't know how to even explain it... God started speaking life into me, I was filled with the Holy Spirit, people sent me sweet devotionals that I needed to read, He sent someone last night to pray for me, my dear friend walked with me and let me blab, and sent me the cutest picture ever (she hates that I call myself fat). And then today someone said something so sweet to me they said "I wanted to remind you that you're beautiful" and it wasn't the way I look it was about who I am inside.

Since last night I feel like God keeps saying to me "you are who I created you to be, just keep going"

I'm beautiful
I'm worthy
I'm chosen by Love

I'd like to encourage you that if you're struggling, keep praying, keep worshipping, keep reading your bible, ask people to pray for you, and remember to listen for God in all things!

You're chosen by God too!

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him— you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 2:4, 5 NIV)

Friday, May 30, 2014

Friday Ramblings...

This pic brought me so much joy this morning

I have to admit something to you…  I’m totally overwhelmed.  It’s at a point that I avoid people who are jerks or I smile and give them one of those “bless your heart” smiles.  I hate when people do that, but I promise you if I said what I’d like to say, I’d make someone cry (and I have driven a grown man to tears once, not in a good way… It’s not a trait I like about myself, it’s a total protection).  And I am so thankful for people like the Buckets who I can just sit with and chat with and relax with.

I walked into my house yesterday and thought that I really had no business ever buying a house.  My gutter is literally hanging off the back of my house, and I’ve had people tell me they’d help me… but one person lives far and one person keeps promising, the other day with the rain, the water was leaking into my basement.  UGH.  I don’t have time to take care of it, and I don’t have the money either, and it makes me feel terrible about myself and THE THOUSANDS of things I am not good at. I seriously am welling up with tears.  I am thankful for my home and have tried to make it as nice as I can, but the roof is in need of replacement, and thousands of other things need fixed, I don’t have the time nor the money for big things like the roof, and who wants to invest in something that is $50K undervalued.  NOT. ME.

You want to know something… you know what’s a good problem to have… you’re pants are too big and fall down, EXCEPT that I am not going to spend money on clothes when I plan on losing more weight, let’s face it, my curves are a little too curvy (I’m not allowed to call myself fat or my friend Amanda and Katie might give me a lecture LOL).  I literally have to hike my pants up and readjust them when I walk anywhere, and I can’t even THINK about jumping during worship or my shorts WILL fall off.  I need to go to a thrift store or something.  I need clothes, I feel like those boys that have pants on the ground.  Yes, it’s a great problem to have, but it’s a little annoying.  

I know my heart is out of whack when I start counting down until something is over.  Oh that’s not good.  Life was not meant to endure, and there is no joy in serving that way.  I am praying and seeking God, in my seeking this morning....

This song, oh this song, I don’t even know how it happened, but it lifted my spirits like I can’t even describe.

I was in the Word this morning, John 21.  And I was almost reduced to tears, I know this passage has nothing to do with the 100s of things I have going on but God about knocked me off my chair like only He can.

John 21:1-14
Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Galilee.[a] It happened this way: Simon Peter, Thomas (also known as Didymus[b]), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. “I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.
Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus.
He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”
“No,” they answered.
He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.[c] When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread.
10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13 Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.

So here I am working on all this stuff, doing what I know to do…  And sometimes I do the things that have worked for me 100 times, but sometimes Jesus just says, I know you know how to do it, but just do it a little different, trust me, and your nets will be overflowing, your harvest will be HUGE!  Just listen, be obedient, and SPEND TIME WITH ME!  And even though I do spend time with me, sometimes there are times that I need to spend more time with him, not as my friend and sometime I love, but with someone with is LORD over my life.  

Being obedient and doing what He asks, isn’t always easy, but I feel like the more I am obedient, the more I see the benefits of following Jesus and doing it His way.  I still sometimes struggle with doing it my way… but being obedient is way better for me and those around me.

Can I also tell you?  I am so glad I have memorized scripture because God speaks through me, all morning you know what keeps rolling around in my head?

Gal 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Lesson for today (and everyday):  don’t give up, do what I ask you to do… and do it my way.

Thank You Jesus for speaking to me like only You can.

Thursday, May 29, 2014


It was a beautiful day today!  I got in a bike ride, and it wasn’t far, but was a perfect day for a bike ride.  

And then at some point a bunch of sandpaper got delivered to me… Like a truckload full!

You know the kind… abrasive, irritating or generally rough to be around, typically I can’t trust them but for some reason they like to hang around…  

And for the record, I hate times like those… no one likes to be rubbed by sandpaper, it’s painful.  I think my blood pressure actually went up.  (I was thankful that I got to see my friend’s today because their hugs helped relieve some of the pressure). 

On days like these, it’s best if I just hold my breath, and pray through them.  I sometimes just do my best to hold on to my fruit so I don’t chuck it at people.  

I know that in busy times in my life, I know that it’s harder than when things are calm.  I am working hard on missions stuff I know things are nutty and I know staying calm is key.  I know staying focused on Jesus is the only way I will get through it all.

The good news is that those people who are like sandpaper help smooth our edges, it might hurt for a minute but soon we will be refined just like we should be.

Thankful I held onto my fruit today

Friday, May 23, 2014

a love my heart wasn't meant to hold

I don’t remember what day it was.  But I know that exact moment when my heart changed for Haiti. 
Remember, I’ve told you I never had any desire to be in Haiti? I never wanted to go there, and then one day God rocked my world in the middle of my little kitchen, I could not get there fast enough.
But then I got there.  We stood up in the airplane and the airline opened the doors to the airplane and this overwhelming heat hit me like a freight train.  What in the world did I get myself into?  I’m already sweating!  Then they crammed us in a small tram to the craziest airport I’ve ever seen in my life, everyone is screaming, and I’m trying to get my luggage.  Did I mention, I was SOOOO hot!
We took a ride to the orphanage and I was just so overwhelmed.  It was crazy and I was in love with the kids already but it was SOOOO hot!  We went to bed and it didn’t seem to have cooled off at all.  I laid on my air mattress with pools of sweat.  I thought ok, you can do anything for 6 more days.  And then I caught myself or God caught me, this was nothing something I was supposed to endure, it was supposed to be something I’d love.  I knew that. I fell asleep crying, asking God to please change my heart. 

My friend Jessie took this picture! 
I woke up in love.  I found myself in The Word, Journaling, smiling, and loving everything about Haiti. 

In 51 days I leave for my next trip.  It will be my 5th team in Haiti, my 4th time there, and it’s my 2nd out of 4 trips this year. 

I am beyond excited and scared out of my mind because I still have a balance.  But it will all work out, I know it will.

There is so much to look forward to, the SUPER hot weather (yes, I actually look forward to it now), the kids, doing new things, learning about new people (nothing brings you closer – or further apart than a mission trip).  I don’t know how it happens but every single time I go to Haiti, I fall more and more in love with the country and the beautiful people.

I was standing in that same kitchen when God called me to Haiti just smiling, it’s been quite a journey!  Crazy, up and down, loving so much that I can barely believe my heart can hold it all, and it doesn’t it, all that love that God gives me, it gets poured back out into someone else.
51 sweet days to prepare for another amazing adventure.  Truly it’s not easy but it’s worth it and awesome!

Isa 1:17
Learn to do right; seek justice.
    Defend the oppressed.[a]
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
    plead the case of the widow.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


Last week I had a normal week, which means I was moderately busy but I had a couple days when i actually did nothing at night.  That was weird.  It was kind of awesome, met my friend for dinner... I wrote last week about God's revealing to me... just in time (how about that!).

This week was the EXACT opposite, it was NUTS!  I was so thankful for last week's rest and rejuvenation since this week was nuts.  I even had a few moments of craziness but i kept my fruit and it didn't rot. 

I decided after a crazy crazy day I was going to do one of my detox baths (I chose grapefruit - I have orange or grapefruit) but I have an issue... I'm supposed to soak for at least 40 minutes and I can't sit still that long! So I love this book that I love to read when I get a minute, so I took a nice long bath (sweating while in the bath tub!) and reading.  I love the book because it has a lot of encouragement and truth.  And some "don't be stupid" ;)

It was great to take some time and relax after running like crazy today, and taking care of some stuff around the house.  Even though the truth is that i like to keep busy, there is always much to do! 

Its been a busy week and I am thankful for a time of rest and looking forward to a long weekend!  I will be busy some of the time but looking forward to taking care of somethings around the house!

Take some great time for yourself, take good care of yourself!  You're important!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Ramblings from my crazy brain!

I love my life but I sometimes wonder what in the world people think about it… because it’s whacky…

I’ve been on a crazy rice and beans kick since I got back from Haiti.  It’s been really great in so many ways.  I’ve made some good pots and some… well, the other day a whole pot went right into the garbage!

Almost every day I eat an avocado and some tomatoes (dipped in salt! YUM! )And I don’t know why I feel the need to tell my readers this… but beans do NOT give me gas.   But just in case you’re wondering… basically I eat eggs, tomatoes, potatoes (2 times a week), rice, beans, and avocados.  If I snack, it’s on chips and salsa.

Yesterday I decided to break free and eat something different, so I decided to eat pizza for lunch. I  was going out with someone I didn’t know that well so I didn’t want to seem kooky, and I’ve been craving pizza.  It was good, but not as good as I had hoped and about 20 minutes after, my stomach was rumbling.  Not worth it.

Then later we went to a fundraiser and it was yummy but I ate a quesadilla.  IT WAS DELICIOUS but so not worth the awful heartburn I woke up with (and I haven’t had heartburn since I was in Haiti).  I actually craved rice and beans yesterday so today’s lunch was extra YUMMY!

It’s simple.  Eat simple, feel good.

Also I had to silence the chatterbox in my head.  Yesterday I put on a pair of pants for work and a shirt and they were both too big.  That’s a good problem to have, yes, I know, except that I looked frumpy and not put together.  I felt terrible about myself all day and every time I looked in the mirror (which I go to the bathroom A LOT!) I found myself saying negative things about me.  DUMB.  So I stopped (thank goodness for the talk that my friend Katie and I had on Saturday about having Jesus in us) because I shut that madness down.  Yes, my clothes are too big, yes, I need some new ones!  YES!!  I’VE LOST 15 LBS!  It feels good (though today I think I am a little bloated from the junk I ate yesterday) to not be killing my clothes and lose a chin.  

I want to say, I am not recommending the rice and beans diet for everyone, I am just saying it works good for me and I feel awesome!

And if you’re wondering… this song has been playing in my head for two days